Feb 10, 2023 | Uncategorized
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Smack My Pitch Up 94 – Fatal Attraction: Stuck In Crazy
Transcript at the bottom of show notes
Hobbit and Thandi visit one of the greatest sexy thrillers of all time as they try to suppress their… Fatal Instinct
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Transcript:
SMPU – Fatal Attraction
===
Hobbit: [00:00:00] Hello Geeks and welcome to another amazing episode of Smack My Pitch Up, the podcast that reboots remakes does everything. I lost track of that.
Thandi: the things. Yes,
Hobbit: All the things, all the redos of stuff that we have come to it’s all a blend at this point. I love it when it’s like a, it’s a Torch Pass movie sequel reboot. That they do now, where it’s technically a sequel, but it’s also brand new. It.
Thandi: there to make money. Yes. Love it.
Hobbit: Oh, it’s where everything’s got sub categoried so much that they don’t even make sense when you try to explain what it is now. It used to be just a remake or a reboot, and then that’s it.
Thandi: got one of the old guys and Timothy Chalamet, and we’re calling it a re-imagining sequel. What was it? Legacy. Lega Sequel is the big thing now.
Hobbit: Legacy . Yeah, absolutely. And we see it with the Ghostbusters is a good one. Creed is another one oh, a good one was the Ben Stiller Owen [00:01:00] Wilson,
Thandi: Oh Zoolander two
Hobbit: no not Zoolander two, the car one a Starsky and Hutch
Thandi: oh.
Hobbit: where at the end the original guys showed up and sold them the car and it was a, yeah, I don’t know.
2021 Jump Street was the same way
Thandi: Yeah, except
Hobbit: it’s oh, we were in Jump Street. Yeah, that was a really fun film. Speaking of a fun film no, this is a good film the one that we’re talking about this episode, but I wouldn’t go so far to say fun. It’s hitting a lot of fear points.
for for men, I guess. So
It’s definitely morality tale
Thandi: it is a morality it’s a straight up morality play, and that’s fine. Oh, and by the way, The other gentleman is Mike. I’m Thandi. We love you.
Hobbit: Oh, cool. Yeah, the intro stuff that we normally do at the beginning got so excited to jump
Thandi: Yeah. No it’s so, I love this movie. Like I hadn’t seen it in 20 years and I was into it [00:02:00] like I was in the movie theater eating popcorn. I was into it. Like I was talking to myself and going, oh, no, when I had all the anxiety of a dude watching a dude just do stupid shit, making stupid dude mistakes.
Oh, it was awesome. I thought this was a really good movie. I didn’t remember that. It was a really good, like the, I thought the cinematography was good. I thought that the acting was good. The storytelling was interesting. I was all in on.
Hobbit: and I feel they didn’t overexplain anything. It was just the information that you needed to get like through that part of the plot. It. I’m trying to over decorate the movie with a bunch of additional people or side. I was trying to think of side characters that I would need to cast possibly while watching this movie.
And there’s only four other people in this movie, beside the main
Thandi: that’s a, it’s a very small story.
Hobbit: ke Yeah, absolutely. But that’s all it needs to be. It doesn’t detract by keeping it small at all. It actually keeps it a much [00:03:00] tighter movie. And this is just under two hours. It’s not a short movie. It’s a standard.
Thandi: yeah. It’s a full story, but it kept me engaged the entire time. And, you know what and big up to Adrian Lynn for doing the same movie over and over again for 40 years and making it pretty great every time.
Hobbit: I’m the amount of sexy thrillers, that Michael Douglass has been in is just incredible to me. That j there was just a period of time, there was like a 10 year little spot. Michael Douglas was just like onscreen fucking
Thandi: people. Like they don’t do, they don’t do this kind of movie anymore for probably years, but he is manhandling, just manhandling what’s his CoStar’s name? Glen Close. He’s manhandling Glen, close. It is disgusting and awesome.
Hobbit: There is a scene where Glen closed, like pulls down her shirt into her first reveal of her nipple. And I swear in my [00:04:00] head, Michael Douglas went, ow, as he even and jumped on it. Just ready to roll. Just aggressive fucking in this
Thandi: Yeah, no it’s, it is a sight to behold. Like I said, they don’t make movies like this anymore. Sexy thrillers get made sometimes, but as far as like people pawing each other, that doesn’t happen like that anymore.
Hobbit: No I think the most recent pawing at each other sex scene that I saw was in Bros.
Thandi: Oh, do they have something like that?
Hobbit: something, but it was actually playing at the aggressive sex scenes a bit where they’re like, Shoving their feet in each other’s face and not in a sexy way, like pressing their head against the wall kind of thing.
Very funny. Very
Thandi: love.
Hobbit: But yeah. One thing I do miss about these sexy thrillers and something that just like you said wouldn’t play today, is that morality aspect of don’t cheat on your wife, cuz she might be fucking crazy. And the rule that we learned as teenagers from like [00:05:00] the, our older brothers and older friends.
There are some things that come with, as they said, and the time sticking your dick in crazy is that you don’t know what kind of results may come
Thandi: That was the saying, but as somebody from the restaurant industry, I had to, it couldn’t help it. It was part of my lifestyle.
Hobbit: look, everybody at a certain point in their life needs to have a whore phase male or female in between everybody needs. I think it’s important absolutely to. Really explore what you like, what you don’t like, what you’re willing to handle, and what you’re not willing to handle. I think that’s a super important thing.
There’s no shame in it whatsoever. Ever. I’ve had my time, my friends have had their time. Good for fucking them. But yeah, occasionally you’ll run across somebody that , oops, that was a bad idea. And this is definitely that
Thandi: and it’s the, and you knew. once she started spitting her game, and I was like, man, Alex has mad game, but it’s a little bit scary. Before they even got [00:06:00] into stuff, I was like, oh man this is way aggressive. This might not be a good scene for you, man, knowing it’s not gonna be a good scene for ’em, but yeah. Ooh.
Hobbit: When the moment hits where suddenly, and I think it was very deftly written, the turn in the conversation from it being very light. Nobody’s saying anything flirtation to being overt flirtation, where they discuss basically who’s making the call on which way this goes. And Michael Douglas says, that’s definitely your call, not mine.
And I’m like, bitch, you’re married like . What do you mean? That’s her call. She’s got nothing to lose in
Thandi: At that point, I think he was just having fun with it. He was like, oh yeah, we’re gonna fuck. And she’s oh yeah, no, we are, we’re gonna fuck. And he’s okay,
Hobbit: No, he was playing with it like the night before. What you know is gonna be a long day at work and you start playing with the idea of calling out. But you know, in your head you’re eventually gonna call out. Like you’ve already made that determination in your brain, but you haven’t really admitted it to yourself yet.
That’s the flirtation that he is doing with [00:07:00] fucking, like he knows. That’s where it’s going. 100%. But he is no, I’m a, I’m good husband. I wouldn’t do that. But what Would it be like? He already knows it’s happening. He already knows it’s going now even with Glen Close, like I haven’t decided.
Yes, bitch. Yes, you have. You have decided. What do you mean? No, I haven’t decided
Thandi: Yes, she has decided. That’s one of the the thing, the old pieces of wisdom too, is that she knows beforehand and it’s on you to f it up, but in his case, effing it up was actually going and doing the thing.
Hobbit: Yep. And. I was curious to see how it played for me as an adult. The turn from it being this mutual decision to hook up and fool around. That was like, he’s married, he can’t turn in anything and everybody knows to it being this weird stalker kind of story and man for it didn’t age poorly at all.
I feel like there was, it felt very genuine. Once you’re in it, it’s a different story than when you’re just [00:08:00] hypothetically discussing it.
Thandi: Yeah. So for me the thing that was striking because a lot of the movies very naturalistic, except for Glenn Clo, seems like a cartoon character. If I hadn’t engaged with people like Glenn Close, I would be like, man, she’s playing a cartoon character, but she’s playing people that I’ve met. This is a, perhaps not where it goes, but this is a very understandable relationship situation cuz I’ve seen it.
Hobbit: Yeah, I have. and yeah, this is definitely a turned up to 11 version. Great. But it’s not out of the realm of possibility. It works. It’s not like a fast and furious movie where nothing makes sense. The human relationships here fit the way that they should to make sense.
So that being said, let’s ruin it. Let’s let’s take this movie word we’re very happy with that I don’t really see
Thandi: Yeah, cuz I feel like we can only ruin it like the the genre has been done to death at this point. [00:09:00] It was really interesting finding any angle to get a grip on. But yeah. I love this movie enough that I think it stands on its own whether we ruin it or.
Hobbit: This is really one of the top three sexy thrillers, right? There’s like basic instinct of fatal attraction and then maybe what, nine and a half weeks?
Thandi: Yeah. So my favorite before this, because I don’t watch sexy thrillers all the time, I never did was unfaithful, which is also an Adrian Lynn movie from like 2002 or something. It made me have a chub for Diane Lane until now, even as Ma Kent, I was like
Hobbit: diane Lane is aging well. She is. She’s doing a very good job there. And. Yeah, those sexy thrillers. There was a time in my life that I went through all of ’em. I like Jade was watching nine and a half weeks, of course. Basic, like I what was the one Body Heat? Do you remember? Body Heat, I think.
Was that Melanie Griffith? Was it, was that? I can’t remember. But yeah, th there was just a series of sexy thrillers and then that kind of [00:10:00] tweaked into it being more of the murdery aspect than the sexy aspect. And that’s where you start getting into Seven and taking lives and suspect zero. And all these like gritty crime thrillers, I feel are definitely a bastard child of the sexy thriller.
Thandi: But you know, the sexy thriller was, it was cheap to make, so it dominated like the nineties. It was this sexy thriller in courtroom dramas and just stuff that you didn’t have to spend a whole lot of money on. Sets or places that weren’t just people’s houses or, yeah it was a good time in cinema because the focus wasn’t on the spectacle.
You had some interesting scripts and some interesting characters,
Hobbit: And that’s why I’m interested to see what we’re exactly gonna do with this. We, if you didn’t listen to the last episode, we have tweaked to the format a little bit where instead of four different takes of the movie we’re talking about, one of us gets the re reboot or remake version thing that we think might actually be the best bet.
For the film and one of us gets the remix version, the [00:11:00] wackadoo, weird, fully out of the box. Take on this. Sometimes those two versions are actually pretty close as far as whether or not we wanna see these versions or not. And sometimes they’re wildly different, but you get the real take
Thandi: I got the real.
Hobbit: So I’m interested to see if you’re going with that sexy thriller vibe. If you’re trying to go more modern. Take what are we doing?
Thandi: So I am going full on sexy thriller. And with that as a thing, I had to find something to latch onto to make it interesting. So something that I noticed in Fatal Instinct, or sorry, fatal Attraction, haha, is that they were really casually racist. A couple times making fun of Asian people, cuz that’s the race that was in the movie.
But and then in addition to that, I watched this other thriller that was from the affair thriller that was from the early seventies called play Misty For me,
Hobbit: Yeah.
Thandi: really, it wasn’t racist at all, but [00:12:00] it had some really interesting relations to others in the movie because it was.
Early seventies, so they were like, oh, let’s put all these people in the movie. But they weren’t people, they were like set dressing. So it had a black person and another black person and a gay person. But they were just so they could have these things in the movie to be like, oh, what is America’s a melting pot?
But they weren’t important or really part of the movie or addressed as individual beings of, they were just people that were set dressing for the movie. So I wanted to address what race relations are like now with the from the point of view of white affluence, because those are the people that are in the original movie.
These affluent white people like living their wonderful lives. So I wanted to have these affluent white people living their wonderful lives, and I wanted to have race as a component that is not directly addressed, but I wanted [00:13:00] to see in real time. Basically having microaggressions, basically being casually racist in a way that people do not like, oh, I hate these people, or whatever.
Just the way people do when they’re comfortable and intimate. That kind of casual racism. I want to see that throughout the movie, but with it never really being directly addressed, just something that hangs over the movie. So in this modern version, this modern. On fatal Instinct. Dang it. On Fatal Attraction
Hobbit: No. Fatal Instinct is a movie and if I remember correctly,
Thandi: a parody
Hobbit: isn’t that like a, it’s a parody movie. Yeah, I believe so. Yeah.
Thandi: So my director for this version is Michael Moen, who directed the Voyeurs. I don’t know if you saw that last year, a really.
Hobbit: Oh, okay. I know what you’re talking. I hadn’t had the chance to see it, but I know what you’re
Thandi: So it is half of a really good movie. If they had [00:14:00] stopped at the Twist, then it would be a really good movie. But at The Twist, there’s like a whole half movie left and it’s stupid after that,
Hobbit: Oh
Thandi: But it’s a sexy thriller and I enjoyed that first half of it. So that’s the director I’m going for there.
And for my story, it’s mostly the same beats, but we bring in some things that are a little bit different. So instead of Stuart PanIN being the. We’re bringing in Michael Pena as Jimmy the Stewart Pan character,
Hobbit: Okay.
Thandi: as his wife Hildy. We have Mabel K, who was Noora in Wakanda forever. And their interaction with the couple, the Dan Gallagher and Beth Gallagher, the husband and wife, the lawyer, couple, the lead and his wife.
What happens inside the circle of trust, which is the casual racism that happens inside of the circle of trust, but it’s not really, it doesn’t look like racism because it’s inside the circle of trust. [00:15:00] Everybody is accepting of what’s going on there. If you watch it from the outs, if you see it from the outside, then it’s yucky.
It’s it’s like you hanging out with Steven or me and saying some things that are, it’s funny in the moment because it’s us, not racism. And not inappropriate in that moment, but if somebody from the outside sees it, it’s yucky. I’ve had this conversation about just being in podcasting. Is that something you have to be considerate of, is who’s listening your audience? It’s the clarity of message is that there are jokes that, yeah, like you said, we could make with one another because the intention is incredibly clear to one another.
Hobbit: We know each other well enough to know where the line is and what is meant by what is
Thandi: Yeah, I’ve had the circle of trust conversation with women where I’m like you, where I’ve said, where I’ve said things in front of people that I would say in front of a woman that I’m very close with. That’s completely inappropriate to say under that context. And it’s just something you have to learn. But we’re seeing this as [00:16:00] observers and we’re like, eh, and it’s just part of the That’s something that’s happening in modern day with social media, with the. Remote based relationships that we have is people are starting to misunderstand like where that line is as far as comfort level and what you’re should be able to say in mixed company versus close
Hobbit: That there’s some things that you need to change your clarity a little bit depending on your
Thandi: Yeah. Every conversation’s not for everybody.
Hobbit: exactly, that’s why you should, there’s some places you can’t say fuck it work and that’s reason.
Thandi: Yeah,
Hobbit: My job’s pretty okay with it, but But for my leads for my affluent white couple, we have Jake Gillen Hall as Dan Gallagher
nice.
Thandi: as Beth Gallagher we have Bree Larson, and as Alex, we have Lupita Nego, which brings in like just a whole bunch of. Not in your face, [00:17:00] but like implicit racism because Leedia Nigo is the one who Jake Gillen Hall cheats with.
I also wanted to change the dynamic of that a little bit, where Jake Gillen Hall is. Not just an innocent dummy. He’s actually he’s trying to pursue a thing. He’s trying to see how long he can make this go, not realizing that this person’s crazy and then it’s too late. It’s not two days.
And he is oh, this bitch is crazy. It’s like a couple weeks maybe where he is trying to like, oh, I can make this, I can make, I can juggle this, I can make this work. Oh no, she’s crazy. and In the scene, like it’s gonna have a lot of the same beats. So when the scene, they’re gonna sell their, oh, we’re gonna try ourselves to sell our house.
And when Alex comes to the house and Beth meets Alex, and after Alex leaves and she sees that that Dan, Jake Gillen Hall is very uncomfortable, she’s she thinks it’s because it’s a pretty black girl. She’s I know what you did in college. I know that you were into that in college or whatever.
And when she’s talking about what [00:18:00] he was into in college, he does this. This mock black woman accent, Adam.
Hobbit: No. Oh, no
Thandi: In inside their home is part of the circle of trust, but stuff that people don’t see and you don’t really see in movies like that either. But I want to expose that kind of thing, not as not as a pointed part of the movie, just as an uncomfortable background element that goes through the entire. then most of the story beats are going to be the same. Beyond that one thing that I will change is that her parents will be a little bit more involved as affluent whites. And when they find out that Dan has been cheating with this black, this African black woman the level that they’re unpleased and the way that they express that is going to be
Hobbit: Ooh. Yeah. Oof. A fog. Like a fart in a room. Just hover it in.
Thandi: so so because her parents are more intrinsic to the plot there I’ve casted [00:19:00] them for Beth’s mother, I have Michelle Pfeiffer, and for Beth’s father, I have John Corbett. And if you don’t know who John Corbett is, he was Aiden from Sex in the City. Chris from Northern Exposure, which is how I knew.
And then Ian from my big Fat Greek wedding, and he’s just a tall, handsome white guy, even it’s in the sixties. He’s a tall, handsome, white guy. Michelle Pfeiffer is still beautiful and older, and I wanted to like you to see the affluence just as like looking at these people. Oh, affluent whites, so
Hobbit: Yeah I love trying to differentiate between being a white myself understanding that I do differentiate myself between that and affluent white, which has a why at the beginning, the white. White. Yeah. That it’s a slight different inflection there. That does mean a lot . It does quite a bit.
Thandi: And that
Hobbit: and in, yeah, that’s
in the circumstance? Yeah, in the circumstance. I think it’s just the idea of [00:20:00] who grew up at a level of maybe income or status that they. Need or maybe desire hung out with non-whites, like actually have experience interacting with people that didn’t look exactly like them or have the same experiences as them.
And so don’t have that like absence of experience that creates awkward social situations on occasion. Just out of. Lack of depth of knowledge of how to act around people, which is literally just like yourself, but don’t try to cater to, and then you become more awkward. That’s like the white affluence things like in Get Out that I voted for Obama three times.
Why was that relevant to this conversation? Like why is that something you just blurred out? Brother, man. Yeah. That If you wanna see a perfect example of this, look at early television interviews [00:21:00] with Quentin Tarantino. When there’s a black cast member with him during the interview he starts talking
Thandi: starts to code
Hobbit: like he, yeah, he code switches my man.
Then I might like, he totally changes his inflections and it’s jarring like it’s so bad. I’m really glad that he got outta the habit. It’s really bad. Yeah, it’s. So, yeah I love those moments that speak to that. That’s great.
Thandi: And the uh, the only other thing I want to put in here for that pitch is that I want it to be old school sexy, and I want Jake Gillen Hall to grab two big pans of la Pita NGO’s Sweet, juicy can, and focus on that is like an objectification of that sweet, juicy can.
Much different than what his wife, Bree Larson has going on.
And yeah, just as part of the the underlying discomfort, he’s objectifying this big black ass [00:22:00] as part of his thing. But I want very little of it to be spoken out loud. I just want it to be like, felt throughout the.
Hobbit: I think that’s gonna really translate better anyway than trying to work in dialogue to explain that. No I think showing it is gonna work a lot more effectively For sure.
Thandi: And that’s the pitch.
Hobbit: sweet. I’m into it. It’s taking aspects it’s almost like an homage to the classy, sexy thriller the classic sexy thriller without trying to re.
Modern take with a nice deft handoff from the classics so great into it. I am not doing that. I am being way more overt in the way that I’m approaching not just race, but also otherness, I guess in this conversation. With Fatal Attraction being the starting point I was interested to.
Something that was troubling for me with Fatal Attraction [00:23:00] is rooting for anyone. The only innocent here is the wife. Like she, she didn’t do anything. She didn’t deserve this. She, for everything we’ve seen in the film, is a devoted and loving wife that appreciates her husband and doesn’t try to start fights.
Isn’t a banshee or terrible or hasn’t driven him into the arms of another woman. He’s just a scumbag that took advantage of an opportunity. And of course Alex the character Alex is a psychopath. So I wanted to
Thandi: She’s so
Hobbit: to like, change the direction on who we’re actually rooting for, have one of the main characters as somebody that we root for.
But to do that I had to really just determine what would give us that reason to root for a person. And I think it would be th this idea of otherness. Is discussed a little bit in Fatal Attraction. This is a single woman that is willing to sleep with a married man.
And so therefore she’s treated as disposable by the married [00:24:00] man and she calls him out and She did make assumptions that weren’t there for sure. But what I wanted to do is flip it on its head. Actually, this was inspired by. News about what is it Matt slap the conservative icon that there’s reports and text messages that back it up that he apparently groped a man in a car couple years ago and was called out for it.
And this is like hard. Yeah. And this is the story he told time and time again. So I thought maybe inspired. Switching the lens that actually Dan Gallagher is a conservative politician
Opposed to a lawyer. And his friend Jimmy played by Stewart kin, is actually just his lawyer that works on the campaign and stuff with him.
And, Dan is a closeted gay man. He has a wife. Didn’t want to put a kid in, in a dangerous position in this situation. So, and also gay man with a beard, they got [00:25:00] a greyhound. So that’s crazy was the random person picking your kid up from school scene by the.
Yeah, that Talk about a fucking power move. Power move. It was like, your kid is completely safe. Had a great time. Took her on a rollercoaster. She kissed me on the cheek like this.
Thandi: But also that’s a scene that would never work in modern movies cuz you couldn’t get into the school to get somebody’s kid just random.
Hobbit: Hell, that’s one thing that immediately flipped in my brain when that scene came up, is that, how did she just come and grab a kid? It’s oh, it’s the eighties. That’s, yeah. They weren’t checking IDs and shit at
Thandi: And the kid was like, okay,
Hobbit: the kid. The kid being like, come with me. Sure. Great. And the eighties parents just wanted to get rid of their kids, take her great.
Thandi: More time to drink for us.
Hobbit: Yeah, right. So Dan is a closeted conservative politician. His wife Beth is. It’s not openly discussed [00:26:00] between them, but it, she’s pretty aware of his proclivities. She just chooses to ignore them. She appreciates the lifestyle that she’s been given is completely content to have her own trists outside of the marriage um, and let him have his, and it’s just an unspoken kind of thing that they have between the two of them.
That the core thing is to make sure that they’re not caught. They are seen as a core family value type.
Thandi: Hillary and Bill action.
Hobbit: A little bit kinda a little bit of that energy. And then we have let’s see. The Ellen, yeah the daughter that’s a Greyhound, that’s just a dog. So instead of picking up the dog from school, it’ll be from like the kennel they kept it at while they were out of town, like doing politician stuff.
And then took the dog to the dog park, , like doing doggy fun things.
Thandi: Who frolics with the side piece in public.
Hobbit: Yeah, that’s, ooh, that’s rough. So this story is less so about [00:27:00] the cheating aspect and more about the realization that Dan and Alex, I don’t even have to change the name for the man that he has a trist with, doesn’t realize that Dan is a conservative politician when they have this experience.
and it’s shortly after this experience when Dan’s in town in DC has this tryst, with this dude. He lives nearby, maybe like Baltimore or something, relatively close, but not in DC. And then he sees Dan’s face on the TV as he’s elected, like he’s a, been elected or or his position. That’s where Alex decides to have some fun with this man that he had real feelings for and is against. Gay marriage calls it an abomination, gays are grooming that whole fucking party line shit. And it’s infuriating. But he also like, still has feelings for him. So it’s this confliction.
So he’s threatening to out him, to tell the press and all this stuff. And he has pictures of them together on his phone and all this stuff. And so Dan is a [00:28:00] mess. This can ruin everything, can ruin his political career ruin this very intentionally curated marriage that he has. Oh, let me name these people.
Actually. This is directed by John Cameron Mitchell,
Thandi: Who
Hobbit: who is best known for headwind in the angry inch. Also the. Movie How to Talk to Girls at Parties, which if you haven’t seen, is based on a Neil Gaiman and Short Story, and it’s a sci-fi weird piece directed at episode of Glow and a bunch of other TV shows as well.
Great director. I really wanted a queer director to speak to, like the experience of this closeting and like this whole story really. And Dan Gallagher is gonna be played by Matt Bomer if you are unfamiliar. He was the super spy in the Chuck TV series. Back in the day. He’s was also in Magic Mike one and two he was in the magnificent seven Nice guys boys in the
Thandi: Hold on. I thought that Chuck was Shazam.
Hobbit: Chuck is Shazam but his college roommate that was the super spy [00:29:00] that is who he gets mistaken for.
He he shows up and then gives Chuck the thing or whatever. That’s Matt Bomber. He’s the smooth spy guy that, yeah, the actual spy. Yeah. . Then we’ve got Alex. I wanted to really punch the otherness of this story by not just having like a queer actor and visibly not code switching.
Very clearly gay, but also I wanted a Latino actor as well, so I went with Wilson Cruz, and if you’re unfamiliar, he’s in. Star Trek Discovery as one of the doctors. He was in Party Monster as Angel and he was Ricky in my so called Life way back in the day as well. Great actor I think would nail this role as just like a kind of vindictive scorned lover that is trying to get back at this conservative politician that he had a tryst.
Thandi: Him being Latino works for that whole kind of [00:30:00] thing too.
Hobbit: And just the whole party line in general would be also just another condemning factor, and I want a line like that as it’s bad enough that you slept with a man, but he had to be, he had to be Mexican. He’s no, he is Puerto Rican, whatever. Just dismissive kind of energy from Beth Gallagher, the wife who’s played by Amanda sef.
Thandi: Nice. She was actually on my shortlist for wife.
Hobbit: yeah, I think she can play like waspy mean affluent white woman very well. And I just, great actress. I think she would have a lot of fun in that role. Jimmy is the lawyer friend that he goes to that has some experience in like family law stuff, and he’s Hey, how does this work out?
There’s no baby nobody’s pregnant in this version. It’s more about some information about his governmental dealings that he let slip during the tris that he had and how liable he would be if that came out if that was protected in any way.
And so he’s going to his friend who’s played by Jared Carmichael, who I was not very familiar with [00:31:00] until the Golden Globes this last Sunday where he host. and was brilliant wonderful and said super fucking edgy shit that like pissed off a lot of people and have a lot of respect for that.
And I would I was like, you know what? You get in my movie cuz you were
Thandi: he came out. So I’m sure that he would be all about something, a project like this.
Hobbit: absolutely. And he’s very funny as well. And I want this, and in that same conversation of otherness is that there’s this conserve. Politician that’s relying on what he considers a friend is really employee that this black lawyer that is one of the very few people that knows that he’s gay because Jared Carmel, Jimmy is also gay and is openly so like it’s fine, but it’s also like they work together.
It’s like one of that’s the comfortable in the room conversation that this conservative dude feels like he can be. More gay in the room with Jimmy than he could be normally, because that’s the [00:32:00] one connecting factor they have with one another, but he’s also still racist. So it’s like they, they never really get to a point of actually being friends.
Cuz Jimmy is like, no, I know you’re a racist. We’re not friends. It’s just I’m not gonna out you because I know how fucked up that is. I’m not gonna do that. So you’re safe. But then there’s a, the boss. Arthur from the original was played by Fred Gwynne, and I wanted Kyle McLaughlin to play the boss.
He actually was in a movie based on tiger King, , Joe versus Carol. He played Howard Baskin in that, and John Cameron Mitchell played Joe Exotic in that movie. So they have a connecting. But the twist, the main twist of this is that at the end or the midway point where in the original he tells his wife that he had an affair, that she’s pregnant, that she’s stalking him, and it’s this whole ordeal.
That’s the turn where now Dan isn’t the [00:33:00] aggressor in trying to get Alex to fuck off. It’s the. The wife takes this role of that’s the surprise in the story. The twist is that she’s known all along, he’s gay. She doesn’t give a shit. Don’t take away my quality of life. Don’t ruin this for me. Yeah.
And those, so she gets way darker and way more fucked up about trying to get this stranger to leave her family alone. And that’s where the, it almost like a tag team in a wrestling ring, like your turn and she goes after him.
Thandi: Yeah that’s beautiful. And actually I think in a practical marriage of a power couple marriage, I think that’s how it works. The face doesn’t do the public assaults. It’s the other shrew person who actually goes out and takes care of business.
Hobbit: Yep. So at the end of it, this is a love affair gone wrong. A conservative politician that is trying to cover their tracks. As a hypocrite, that is what they pretend to stand against. [00:34:00] And a trophy wife, beard wife that is willing to kill to keep her comfort. So I’m loving this. I’m actually, I’m loving this. How does it shake out?
It shakes out basically that the final scene in the original movie where she sneaks into the house to to kill them and stuff.
It’s. It’s actually that, oh, how do I put it? The vital proof of their tryst that was on his phone was stolen by the wife and brought back to their house. So Alex isn’t going in for revenge, is going in to get their phone that they have the locate feature on, and that’s how they find out that it was taken to get their phones.
So they have proof to try to blow it all outta the water. That’s the way that I’m safe is to. Tell people about this. So then if anything happens to me, they know who to look at. And so then it’s the fight to the death in the house. And I don’t want this to necessarily be like I think as unfortunate as [00:35:00] it is, cuz we are rooting for Alex at this point.
I’m making Alex the person that you want to succeed. I want the reality of the situation to be that’s not how it works. And that like during the struggle Alex is killed in their house and they try to play it off as a burglar like somebody that came into the house. Yeah, exactly.
And then you throw that otherness around as a final fuck you. At the end of it is that like even after all this shit, you can still just throw out ads, just some Puerto Rican and then the police will be like, yep, that we’ve heard of that before. And dismiss it is exactly that. Don’t look into it that.
But I would love to have something at the end where the phone gets into the right hands. So even though Alex dies at the end, the information, the outs, Dan and his wife for being pieces of shit gets recovered and actually gets out or it’s alluded to.
Thandi: Like the end of the Watchman movie.
Hobbit: A similar kind of vibe to it.
Yeah, for sure.
Thandi: I’m really into that pitch. I like [00:36:00] that.
Hobbit: I’m actually really surprised there aren’t that many. There, there just aren’t that many stories about conservative politicians that are closeted, trying to protect their image. There’s just not a lot of that out there. And it’s such a every like six months or every year, we have another story of that happening.
Thandi: Yeah, I think mostly it’s just a tacit agreement because these male sex workers make a lot of money off of these guys and if you’re a professional, you keep your secrets.
Hobbit: Yeah, fair enough. Yeah. But in the circumstance, I thought about the sex worker ed vibe as well for this, but I wanted it to be genuine, not he fucked me so good. I love him. Now, can I like ? I’ll give a, like in, we just saw True Romance recently where Christian Slater. Fucks her so good that she’s only three days into being a call girl.
And she decides I quit. Let’s get married. I didn’t want to give the conservative politician that kind of energy at all. But yeah, so that’s my version [00:37:00] of fatal Attraction is that the fatality was actually to the person that made the mistake of hooking up with a conservative.
Thandi: Which is how that works
Hobbit: That’s how that works. Yeah. . And also moral of the story is be with somebody that considers you, they’re equal. Not somebody that looks down upon your station.
Thandi: or is just fetishizing you.
Hobbit: Ugh. Yeah.
Thandi: was somebody who has not worked through their own issues. Ugh.
Hobbit: Ugh.
Thandi: I guess if that was the thing, we’d never, none of us would ever be with anybody.
Hobbit: Or for clarification, or is working through their own issues. Like it’s a constant, continual process. But yeah, you gotta put the work in though. So great. Yeah, I think these are both really actually possible versions of this. Mine is almost not fatal attraction anymore, but it’s still hitting those main beats.
It’s like the dawn of the dead remake. The only thing that, the only thing there is the mall is
Thandi: For the fun pitches inspired by is what we’re [00:38:00] going for, just generally.
Hobbit: Yeah. Let’s, if we got just a little bit left, we’re talking about our trailers that we gotta do now. So yeah I actually wrote out my trailer this time,
Thandi: I did not. So we’ll
Hobbit: Oh, nice. Nice little flip here. Okay, let me get us queued up here. We decided we’re gonna use the same track for both of ours cuz it’s a perfect, like sexy thriller back backtrack here. Here we go. Tandy, with your version of Fatal Attract.
Thandi: Happy wife, happy life, but he’s gotta have it. Lawyer Dan Gallagher, played by Jake Gillen Hole has everything except that. Sweet. Sweet. Can he craves. So he meets Alex Force, played by Lapita Nego, and ruins his own life. Join Bree Larson as his wife, Beth Gallagher, Michael Pena as his buddy Jimmy, and as best mother and father, Michelle Pfeiffer and John Corbett as they [00:39:00] try to navigate a crushing affair.
He gave it all up for the nookie that sweet nookie. And it will destroy him unless it destroys her. First, it’s Michael Moens, fatal Attraction. She will not be ignored.
Hobbit: Yes. Excellent. . All right. Let’s see how much I can screw up mine here. So I’m using the same backing track. I tried to use some punning in here so I apologize and ahead of time for how stupid it
Thandi: Make it fun.
Hobbit: Woo. this is definitely a more fun version with John Cameron Mitchell at the helm.
You can’t help but have it a little bit more. Ridiculous and big and a little silly. So here we go, man. Lives by the rule of law and his own morality. This March, Dan Gallagher wrestles with both as he [00:40:00] tastes forbidden fruit. Little did he know this fruit bites back with his political career on the line.
Dan will do anything to stop this fatal attraction starring Matt Bomber Wilson Cruz and Amanda Seyfried.
Thandi: So, so was the the double entendre Attentional or
Hobbit: Yeah. Th this fruit bite’s back definitely was part of it, and I was like sitting there being like, ah, it’s a lot. No, I, it’s the self ownership, it’s like I’m allowed to say it like it’s okay.
Thandi: It’s awesome.
Hobbit: Cool. So yeah, this is this is.
Really fun take on Fatal Attraction. I appreciate all the listeners for sticking around for it. Two episodes in a row. Who knew we’d be capable of
Thandi: a possible thing. Yes.
Hobbit: Yes. We’ll be trying to make it a threepeat here next week with another episode of smack My Pitch Up. Thandi, thank you so much again for joining me on this fucking escapade.
Here
Thandi: thank you, sir.
Hobbit: Make [00:41:00] sure to rate reviews, subscribe all the things you do for podcasts. Check us out at GUIpodcast.com for links to our social media and other shows on the network. You can hear coming I believe last week as of when this drops the final regular release of Geeks under the Influence we’ll have dropped.
And yeah, that’s gonna be a tear jerker for sure. And a lot of drunken revelry as well, so
Thandi: Yeah. Yeah. But you know, Bigger and better things. Bigger
Hobbit: There’s a whole lot
Thandi: everybody’s still here. We’re all still playing.
Hobbit: also playing and there will be occasional releases on the main feed. Still that’s not, we’re gonna every so often meet up and have our hahas. And and do a little like free play or something or special event kind of thing. So definitely keep, subscribe to that mainstream as well.
But yeah, also check out TeePublic for the new smack. My pitch up design or newish smack my pitch up design. The lethal weapon inspired design with Thandi and I
Thandi: look great.[00:42:00]
Hobbit: That’s a fun design. I’m really happy how that turned
Thandi: pretty inspired.
Hobbit: So, so inspiring that you almost didn’t get into an amusement park with it.
Thandi: Yeah it’s Danny Glover. Don’t you recognize Danny Glover? Yeah.
Hobbit: I wish I was a fly on the wall to hear this. The reasoning with the security that it’s just a picture of a gun on a shirt. It doesn’t mean that you’re like aggressing
Thandi: I had to pitch the show. I had to pitch our show to the people at the amusement park. I pitched it well enough. They let me in. So
Hobbit: pull it up on Spotify. No, see it’s real. It’s right here. Oh, that’s so
Thandi: I don’t get it.
Hobbit: So, yeah, you try your hand at getting into an amusement park with our shirt and let us know how it turns out. Pitch smacked on social medias for the most part, hashtag us pitch smacked, and we’ll see you next time.
I’m Mike the Hobbit,
Thandi: and I’m Thandi.
Hobbit: and you just got your pitches smacked all up and
Thandi: It’s a swing and a pitch and it’s smacked out of the park.
Hobbit: Well done. Well done.
Check out this episode!
Feb 3, 2023 | Uncategorized
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Smack My Pitch Up 93 – The Rock: Jared Leto Ripped In Half
Hobbit and Thandi are finally back! They head to Alcatraz Island to remake and reimagine the 1996 Michael Bay action extravaganza, The Rock
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Transcript:
SMPU – THE ROCK
[00:00:00]
Hobbit: [00:01:00] Hello geeks and welcome to a long overdue episode of Smack My Pitch Up, the show that reboots, remakes, reimagine sequels, sidequels and adapts some of your favorite and least favorite properties from film, television, and what have you. And Thandi we’re back.
Thandi: We’re Beck, Winick.
Hobbit: Yay.
Thandi: Ha ha.
Hobbit: Thank you so much to our longtime listeners for being patient with us.
There’s been a lot of moving and shaken going on over at the network
And also figuring out how to get all the stuff we’re doing to fit and so we can be more consistent with our releases.
And so for this episode, this is a slight tweak on our previous format
That’s gonna make this a much tighter show
Which allows us to record more consistently.
So hopefully moving forward, we’re gonna have like weekly releases for you of this
Thandi: that’s a good.
Hobbit: It is a great thing. So
This show previously was around an hour or two, an hour 15.
We are shortening that by one of us each week doing a real take on the remake
[00:02:00] And one of us doing the remix, weirdo outside the box, take on it.
So we’re just, instead of four versions of the same movie, we’re taking it down to two. So it’s a lot more manageable, I think, honestly, it’s gonna be a more fun show to have it a little bit tighter like that.
Thandi: Yeah, because everybody likes it
Hobbit: tight.
Yeah. And speaking of tight
We are going into a tight action
Comedy. I mean
Thandi: Yeah, but only an action comedy in the vein of the idea that all nineties movies fall into this genre.
Hobbit: when Sean Connery goes was it, losers? Think about
Thandi: go home and to fuck the prom queen or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sean Connery is just rubbing his balls all over this movie, just spreading his musk
Hobbit:
No fucks given whatsoever. He’s not doing a bad job, it’s just that he’s clearly not taking this seriously.
Thandi: No, he has exactly the right tone for what that movie is. I would say that As [00:03:00] an understated for him character, it’s Nick Cage that could bring it up a notch and he’s still perfect. The movie for what it is, for the time in which it came out and what it does in cinema, is pretty much perfect.
But yeah, the Nick Cage we know is really understated in the rock.
Hobbit: Definitely and that is the movie. About this week, the Rock, the Michael Bay, 1996, I wanna say film who by the way, pitch smacked on Twitter and Facebook. If you want to interact with us on the social medias tell us what we’re doing wrong or how you like the new format or what we’re doing right.
I would like that as well.
Thandi: Or not you like the silky sound of our voices.
Hobbit: Dulcet tones,
Thandi: Our dulcet tones sweet caramel
Hobbit: Oozing all over Nicholas Cage. Usually the rock. It is a pure example of what Michael Bay is good at, which is just making really dumb, [00:04:00] really straightforward, blow ’em up action adventure movies.
Thandi: Ridiculous nonsense, spectacle. You know, the, the Rock is even though it’s an early Michael Bay movie, it’s super indicative of his style, which is like quick cuts and like no sense of spatial geography, shit’s all over the place. It could be taking place on the ceiling or like, I don’t know, in Hong Kong and then California and then New York.
It could be anywhere, but you don’t care because it’s about the energy of the scene.
Hobbit: and there’s plenty of energy in this while since I’ve seen The Rock. It surprised me how many very well known actors have like very brief roles in this You’ve got the Candy Mane himself, Tony Todd that’s in like two scenes,
Thandi: Yeah. He is one of the, the Marine guys, one of the military.
Hobbit: and he is got just one real scene that he has where he is like talking about how we’re not, this isn’t a threat. We will do this. We will blow up a bunch of people, and that’s his main moment in the. Fucking [00:05:00] Candyman gets maybe 45 seconds of screen time in this movie.
Thandi: Yep. At random Bokeem Woodbine
Hobbit: right. I didn’t even realize he was in this movie until about three quarters of the way through watching it, and then he just pops up randomly.
You’ve got, of course, there’s Michael Bean dying almost immediately as, as he’s wants to
Thandi: Yeah. As soon as they do the incursion, boom, gone David Morse, who I actually knew David Morse from St. Elsewhere, cuz that’s how old I am. David Morse is just, yeah, just in that piece.
Hobbit: And he has a little bit more time on screen, but not still, not much. I mean, he’s not doing a ton. John Spencer as a director of Womack. Is a relatively well-known actor as well and he may have been in there for a day because most of his role was just looking at a screen and going, no
Thandi: Yeah. William Forsyth.
Hobbit: William Forsyth. Yeah. Yeah.
Thandi: Yeah. There, there’s a lot of big names, but like for the John c McGinley.
Hobbit: that’s, he was in like two seconds of it as like the [00:06:00] weird gadget guy, which becomes a trope in a lot of other Michael Bay movies is the guy that makes. Contraptions and shit, but he does one and it doesn’t even really pay off
Thandi: Yeah.
Hobbit: He like
Thandi: But he’s in there,
Hobbit: yeah.
Thandi: just, just nineties guys. It’s, it’s these actors that we’re all like, oh, I, I know this guy so well. It’s because it’s 30 years later and yeah. They’ve had long and storied careers at this point.
Hobbit: As much as this is pretty straight ahead, there’s no. Surprises really in this movie, it’s still an enjoyable ride. You’ve got the cheesy one-liners throughout you’ve got big blow ’em up action, shoot ’em up sequences. Going through the sewers and stuff of Alcatraz, I didn’t realize that Alcatraz was built on a underground mining roller coaster. But I didn’t like I’ll
Thandi: fun nineties movie without a fun underground nineties
Hobbit: rollercoaster
Okay, well this could be mashed up with Temple of Doom if tracks were long enough. You know, what the [00:07:00] fuck? I forgot about that completely. And then that started happening. What were they making the prisoners do on Alcatraz? There’s caverns, there’s
Thandi: why are there random spinning blades of doom? Because there are,
Hobbit: I can just imagine Alcatraz when it was working that there’s people in the mines of Alcatraz.
Thandi: see, I think maybe it was just an amusement park. That’s how they were paying for the prison. They had an amusement park that went underneath the prison.
Hobbit: The most terrifying amusement park you can think of. Come on, get on the ride. Little kid
Thandi: You took a wrong turn to coaster and now you’re getting molested.
Hobbit: This ride’s called the Birdman of Alcatraz, where we just launch you via slingshot into the ocean. Yeah. There, there’s so much nonsense. But the thing is like, you’re not supposed to care. Like you, you’re,
Thandi: No you’re not. Not for Eddie. Michael Bay
Hobbit: No, you cannot examine a Michael Bay movie with any level of seriousness because it’ll just completely fall apart if you do.
Physics don’t really matter. Yeah, like you said, directions don’t matter. You, you would not be able [00:08:00] to map out Alcatraz by this movie by any
Thandi: Yeah, because Michael Bay is selling a feeling. He’s not selling a narrative. He’s selling a feeling. He wants you to feel the energy of the scenes that he’s strung together, seemingly haphazardly, and he’s successful at that.
Hobbit: The one thing that is different in this movie Ver versus a lot of his other films, is there’s like this low, sometimes not so low key like hyper nationalism that really peppers in through a lot of his films. And in this film, it’s highly critical of the American government.
Thandi: how they’ve abandoned their soldiers.
Hobbit: Yeah, and it’s on all ends.
You’ve got the I imprisoned without a trial. British spy. You’ve got the soldiers that are fighting for, you know, for basically benefits for the fallen soldiers. Nobody thinks the government’s doing a good job. And then you’ve got, you know, the, the director Womack, that is a piece of shit, clearly and everybody knows he is a piece of shit like.
Nicholas Cage, who is a straight laced by the rule book guy, by the end of it is just [00:09:00] like, I don’t know, like fuck this guy. He was vaporized just totally down to lie to the government by the end of it.
Thandi: y you know, Nick or Michael Bay’s real thing is just he, he is, his main interest is the guys who do the work. So generally just it’s, it’s not the guys in the chair, it’s the guys who do the work. And that’s his love of soldiers too. Those are the guys out in the field who do the work. So he feels that they deserve the respect.
And that’s, that’s true through all his movies. It’s the guys who actually are out in the field getting their hands dirty. That’s who Michael Bay celebrates.
Hobbit: And that’s definitely the case in this movie. I guess we’re about ready to like dive in. I drew the straw of the real take for this version of the Rock. So I’m
Thandi: Real take.
Hobbit: the real take real take being what we think might actually work. For a remake or reimagining of the rock.
And for this, because it’s so straight ahead, there’s a lot of d different directions you can take this, [00:10:00] but I thought it being a fun action movie. I wanted to kind of continue in that spirit, but maybe add a little bit more social commentary or subtext underneath that classic action like vibe. Is this conversation about the government and how people react to a crooked government.
There are people that fight it like straight up 60 style or, you know, being held without parole and like, you know, trying to fight the system by exposing their secrets kind of thing, which is Sean Connery’s character. Then you’ve got the hyper militarized you know, mercenaries that take over Alcatraz that are gonna do it by any means necessary.
But then you see the infighting on what level they’re willing to take it within those mercenaries. You’ve got Nicholas Cage who ends up being kind of like the soldier that turns to help the common man by the end of it. There’s, there’s a lot of different ways people deal with the, the crookedness of the government in this, in this film.
And I thought putting a modern lens on it by having those soldiers come [00:11:00] imitating what we’ve seen in real life with the right wingers that took over the. Was it Yellowstone Park or what was the park system that they took over back Oh, the the cattle
The cattle guys having a little bit of that as the aspect, so it’s not just about soldiers.
I think focusing on like va something that a lot of people have more experience with that the veterans affairs in this country are miserable. The soldiers that have have not lost their life, lost limb, or their health, their, their mental. That aren’t getting the support that they need. So having maybe a collection of soldiers that are retired that are dealing with VA stuff and being like, this is, this isn’t, you know, cool.
And following that same kind of path that Ed Harris’s character did Francis Hummel in the, in the original, but it being more about taking care of the soldiers that are still around, you know, it’s be, it’s them and their friends that are, you know, missing limbs and then you can have. A little bit more [00:12:00] empathy for these soldiers.
As you see, they’re all old guys that some of them might have a prosthetic leg or, you know, that these, these are like former soldiers that have been beaten and hurt that are just trying to get what they’re due. And so there’s. They’re the bad guy, quote unquote, but not really, you know?
And I really wanted to embolden that in the story a little bit more. It wasn’t really pushed on too much. Ed Harris ended up being the only good soldier guy at the end because he wasn’t willing to kill 70,000 people. , like that was his line. I thought it’d be a, I think a more complicated win in this movie if this soldiers like you, kind of were rooting for them.
They’re going about things the wrong way for sure. In this case, it’s not gonna be like a rocket full of vaporized, you know aerosol.
Thandi: kill gas or.
Hobbit: yeah, I think something more simple of just like having an arsenal within range of a major city is enough. You don’t have to make it [00:13:00] super sci-fi fancy stuff.
Just,
Thandi: But nineties
Hobbit: the nineties, right? Alcatraz. It’s called the Rock. You have to have it take place on Alcatraz. That’s. But I did want to have that conversation about, you know, when crooked people earlier in charge, they even the most righteous of people, end up be at odds with each other instead of the real enemy because you know of who’s calling the shots.
And that being the tragic underpinning of this story is that everybody’s trying to do the right thing, and because they’re trying to do the right thing, they end up fighting against each other instead of the person that’s really pulling strings. So then the conclusion of getting the microfilm the micro fiche and that being leaked to the press at the end, you know, that’s one thing that they didn’t want Mason or Connery’s character out for.
They didn’t want him out because they didn’t want these secrets. Stanley Nicholas Cage’s character helps get that information out. You know, it ends up like at the [00:14:00] same, at the end of the first Black Panther where it’s not the version that kil monger wanted of domination. But there is, now Wakanda is now part of the world.
There is some truth to what, the bad guy was fighting for veteran affairs gets some of its money. You know, the, the, like, some of it goes through. and and
Thandi: then everybody gets to know who actually killed J.F.K.
Hobbit: The bad guys kind of win, but not really, you know, it, it’s a, it’s just a bittersweet conversation about figuring out that sometimes the enemy isn’t your enemy.
I, I would love that to be kinda the undertone, but that not being, I mean, it, it’s still at the end of the day, a fucking action movie. And and you want big blow ups and you want, you know, everybody knows kung Fu. And everybody shoots guns really good. And I think for this, I really needed to get David Leach in there for it.
It seemed like a no-brainer brainer. He was one of the directors of the first John Wick. He went on to do Atomic Blonde, Deadpool [00:15:00] two, Hobbs and Shaw and Bullet Train most recently. He has that right balance of being able to do great action sequences, but also having time for the characters. Do some yuck yucks in between and have character development and dialogue.
So I thought that that was a really good fit for a remake of The Rock was to
Thandi: I, I think that would work very well actually. Having seen bullet train recently, I think that’s a that’s a fun tone to play with in the modern time in general.
Hobbit: absolutely. And when Bullet Train very much feels like almost a sendup of nineties action to a degree, it has that like silly. Action kind of vibe to it. So if, if that was applied to a remake of the Rock, I think in a modern take, I think it would fit really, really well. And then you get to play with all the people that David Leach has played with in the past that reappear and du cameos and stuff.
So we’ve got like General Francis Hummel Ed Harris’ character. I thought Idris Elba would be [00:16:00] incredible in that role. He was, he was.
Thandi: we’re canceling the
Hobbit: apocalypse.
Yes, the black Superman of Hobbs and Shaw coming out and being just like a, a wounded warrior, a a hardened soldier that wants what’s due to him and his brothers just makes I wanna see that.
I think that would be, and he would probably play it completely straight, like no winks of the camera, overdoing it, which would make all the zaniness around him that much more fun. He is the moral of the story character, you know, so, so him playing it straight, that gives that underpinning some weight while still everybody else is able to yak.
Can he smack do around him?
Thandi: Oh, definitely. And most importantly, as Hummel, he has gravity.
Hobbit: Yeah,
Thandi: So if you’re doing a serious Hummel, Idris Elba has gravity,
Hobbit: and I think, yeah, if we can get him to say, cancel the apocalypse at some point like that, that would be gr I’d be super down for that. I’m wondering how often that gets asked on set of something and it was like, you know, we are not for filming, but just for us, can you just say canceling the [00:17:00] apocalypse?
He was
Thandi: your pocalypse,
Hobbit: like, okay, cool. For wire season three, you know, what’s, what’s happening 20 years later, let’s cancel the apocalypse.
Thandi: but, but can you do it in like your British accent? Not the wire accent, but like your British one. Just break into it.
Hobbit: Yeah. The joys of fame is that everybody has that one line that people want them to say. So yeah, we’ve got Edris Alba as Francis hum. The FBI director Womack. I thought it would be fun. She is in Hobbs and Shaw, but is also she has that she could play like hard line in power person.
Really. Well get Helen Miron to come in and play, play Womack. I mean, I don’t feel like I even need to explain that she, I mean I had to actually double check and make sure she did a proper American accent before, cuz I
Thandi: does she? Has she done a proper American accent in something?
Hobbit: actually in the, the Yellowstone series or the, the prequel series that they have out with like a, a like old, like Dutch, Midwestern kind of accent.
But [00:18:00] she’s also been in a couple other roles within American accent and Sounds American. Sounds fine. So I just, I, I couldn’t see the FBI director having a British accent. I felt like that was maybe a bridge too far.
Thandi: Well, they’re actors. They’re, they’re prof, they’re professional actors. British actors are trained to take on those voices so they can really do just about anything.
Hobbit: and British actors classically are pretty good at doing the American accent, so I wasn’t that worried, but I just, I couldn’t remember her having to do an American accent before, so I just had to check. But yeah, no, she’s, she’s fine. She’s good with that. Then we’ve got Stanley good speed.
I went through a couple. Choices for this one because it’s Nicholas fucking cage. Like there is no way they can do Nicholas Cage. So didn’t want somebody to do a version of him, but I wanted to do proper justice to the character who, he’s a lab geek that gets put out in the world to like, on, on, to deal with this situation.
So he is awkward. He doesn’t come off as a badass at all. He’s kind of [00:19:00] gawky. But I also needed an actor that would be able to do some of the action sequence stuff while still seeming gawky. And I thought that Andrew Garfield would be really fun in that role as the really nerdy lab guy that really likes toxins and stuff and,
Thandi: You know, he works really well. Like when, when I originally, cuz behind the scenes, we actually planned the show a while ago. It didn’t come together and now it’s coming together again. So when I planned my series pitch, I had Nicholas Holt as an idea
Hobbit: I thought about him as well. Yeah,
Thandi: and LA Keith Stanfield, which we use all the
Hobbit: all the, well, cuz he’s so good.
Thandi: Yeah. But yeah, Andrew Garfield is a great choice. And it, and it, I just, it never came to me that, that would. , but yeah, that’s a great choice.
Hobbit: And what’s funny is I’m now seeing like the, the trajectory between like Nicholas Holt, LA Keith Stanfield and Andrew Garfield as like a certain type of archetype character. You know, like you, you’d just taking it out of the Hot Wheels play set and putting , putting [00:20:00] it in. But yeah, Andrew Garfield, I think he would have a lot of fun in that role.
He’d be able to ad lib a little bit put. Charm, like goofy charm to the character that I think would play off of our mason character. John, John Patrick Mason. Played by Sean Connery relatively well. I wanna see this buddy team up. Is you get and I checked ages and this actor is only like five or six years younger than Sean Connery was when he played this role in the rock.
Get Keanu Reeves to be John Patrick Mason. You just let him get a little bit more grizzled, you know, let that pepper and that beard really kind of shine a little bit more. And then you’ve got Andrew Garfield and Keanu Reeves, like kicking ass on Alcatraz.
Thandi: does this version of Mason rub his balls on everything? Because that’s not usually Keanu’s Mo is, is he a, like a, a different kind of Mason?
Hobbit: Yeah. He’s not gonna be quite as like, fuck this, fuck that kinda attitude so much as more a little more stoic with his, but as. [00:21:00] Time goes on. He has almost like a maybe older brother kind of energy that he starts developing for Andrew Garfield, where like, he, he realizes that Andrew Garfield isn’t the enemy.
You know, he may work for the government, but he’s just a lab geek that that was where he had to go for his lab geekery. You know, he’s, he’s not, he’s not the guy that’s, you know, greedy and trying to take over the world kind of energy. He’s just a genuinely good. So he becomes protective of him and kind of lets down his, his emotional guard a little bit more around Andrew Garfield specifically.
So you have this like, balance of them having private moments where they share stuff about their lives and about like, can or about Mason’s, you know, daughter that he wants to spend more time with. And then he goes out and just breaks fucking bad, super hard as only Kiana Reeves can. And I wanna see that, that shift in energy I think would be really.
Then we’ve got, I, I only did five castings, cuz you’ve got like the, you’ve got the daughter, but she’s in [00:22:00] one scene. It doesn’t really matter. You’ve got a couple of the other soldiers that I could have cast. But, but I just figured stick to the main main ones. Carla Pelosi Stanley’s, I guess fiance at this point is played additionally by Vanessa Marce.
I wanted somebody that was like traditionally stunning, but had a little bit of that, alt hotness to her as well for,
Thandi: she from?
Hobbit: oh, Vanessa Marci, the original actress that played, played the role. She was in the original of The Rock. Yeah Carla Pelosi is the character I wanted for somebody to, to pair with Andrew Garfield.
I wanted to have kind of like somebody with kind of like an alternative edge to. , but still a classically just a, a beautiful, you know, woman. So one of my probably top five crushes zzz, he beats in there. I think would be really fun. It’s just like the take no shit fiance. No, I’m coming to San Francisco anyway.
Fuck you like kind [00:23:00] of energy
Thandi: Yeah, she’s great. And you’re right, she is she’s a beautiful woman, but she does have kind of an alt energy. Yeah, that works.
Hobbit: So, yeah, and I think I, for some reason, I could see her kind of being into the, like lanky, gawky, Andrew Garfield type, you know, person like Andrew Garfield’s, not a bad looking dude, but he does have the like classic big Adams, apple, long limb kind of thing going for him. So,
Thandi: the, the, the body that Mace girls say, ah, I bet he’s got a big dick
Hobbit: So that’s my casting. I think. Yeah, David Leach would have a ball doing a version of the Rock. Where, the government ends up being the loser at the end of the day, but only kind of, they’re still in charge. This isn’t one of those movies I feel like is beholden, like everybody loves it, but it’s not untouchable.
Thandi: So I think for what the Rock is and if you love The Rock, so I don’t have any Michael Bay movies that I hold as sacred, but I think that The Rock is a really solid, almost perfect example of a [00:24:00] nineties movie. So there are people, I can understand why there are people that are like, the rock is untouchable, cuz there are people out there that are like, yeah, the Rock is untouchable
Hobbit: I don’t know. I feel that if you’re looking at Michael Bay movies, that would be untouchable. First you’d have to go with ones that you know are original concepts. So a very small number of movies there. I’d say Bad Boys before the Rock.
Thandi: really.
Hobbit: Yeah. I mean, I feel like there’s probably more people that are like beholden to bad boys. You can’t do a bad boys with anybody, but Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, there would be a lot more pushback for I think bad boys than there would be for the Rock.
Thandi: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I don’t like the trajectory of the bad boys films. I don’t like what that feel like. They did Martin Lawrence dirty over the course of time, kind of don’t like the bad boys
Hobbit: I loved the first one. Second one was so, so, although I hear a lot of people say they like the second one better, but I never bothered with bad boys for life. It looked like garbage from the trailer. I didn’t want to Sully.
Thandi: It was the last one I saw in the air of Covid, [00:25:00] so it was the last time I went to the movies for like a year and a half or something.
Oh no.
Yeah.
ending strong. Yeah.
Yeah, it sucked. People love that movie. People really enjoy that movie, but it sucked.
Oh yeah, no, I didn’t have any interest, but luckily Michael Bay does not have his hands all over this next version of the Rock that we are gonna be delivering to us. Unless he did, unless you want to give him another shot. But I’m intrigued. This can go so many ways, so I’m, I’m intrigued to see where he went with this.
So my swing for the fences take is something that I actually, I had mentioned before, which is the rock. Starring The Rock
Hobbit: Yeah. Yep. Has to.
Thandi: And what I’m going for with this take is a it’s also a dark action comedy cuz that’s kind of what’s popular, but also it, it, you know, it’s entertaining. It’s like generally entertaining in the [00:26:00] modern time.
People like action, but they’re a little bit depressed, so they’re a little bit yeah, they, they, they just like that take on things, not so straightforward, dark action comedy. And I’m going for something indicative of J C V D. I don’t know if you remember that movie
Hobbit: I loved that movie.
Thandi: or like, it’s a deconstruction of John Claude Van Damme.
It’s not a comedy at all. It’s very serious cuz and this character’s depressed through the whole thing. But yeah, it’s, it’s a, it’s kind of a deconstruction of the rock starring the.
Hobbit: I remember J C V D, it was a great movie. Very much enjoyed it. And then there’s this moment. That is unnecessarily artistic in a, in a good way when he floats up to the ceiling and then back down, he’s talking about how the trajectory of his career got sullied with women and drugs and it’s being pretty clearly serious about Jean Claude Van Dam in that moment.
And I was just not ready for that. I was just a fun kind of play on his life and then all of a sudden there’s this [00:27:00] really real moment in it that just took me off guard. It was great. I, I.
Thandi: And the idea of he is not so self serious that he can actually do a movie like this. You’d never see Steven Sagal doing anything like that.
Hobbit: No. . No. Never, never.
Thandi: in a million years. But the Rock starring the rock takes place on a movie set, which happens to be Alcatraz. They are filming Stanley. Good speed. Stanley the Rock.
Good speed. Cuz that’s the, the actor that is, that the Rock is playing as himself. Being himself is filming actually a historical movie on Alcatraz Island that is about the Native American occupation of the 1960. Where people just took over the island for 19 months and said, this is our homeland, or whatever, and it went really badly.
But that’s what the movie’s about. And he’s filming this movie with his opposite in the movie is Jared Leto. is ? Who’s playing [00:28:00] actor? Frank Hummel, actor Frank Hummel is also a cult leader actor. Frank Hummel’s cult has decided to take over the island. It was all planned from the beginning before they start filming the movie
Hobbit: Oh my God.
Thandi: Yeah. Nice little touch there. Is that Frank Hummel is in a band called where did I put that? Oh mercurial Skid is the name of the band he leads. You get, you can see a little retrospective of his, of their careers before the the movie starts. And so he takes over the island. There are families on the island because not normally, but today some of the cast and crew are able to bring their families to the filming. So it becomes a dangerous situation. What happens is that there are arms on the island because they are doing a dramatic recreation of that occupation.
So they’re using these guns, but there were not supposed to be any live round. What Jared Leto’s character did was have his people bring in live rounds [00:29:00] so they could use those guns to take over the island. And so now there’s a dangerous situation and they’re playing basically mouse maze through the Alcatraz prison itself as they try to both Dodge Leto and catch up to Leto and the,
Hobbit: This is already a better, this is already a better movie than the Rock, like this is already, I’ve already sold at this point. This is fantastic.
Thandi: So the Sean Connery character is actually one of the consultants that’s working the movie. He used to be an SAS guy, and he’s, he’s gruff and he’s kind of Like, I wanna call him evil. He’s not evil, but he’s got like a sadistic kind of sensibility where he’s having fun during this thing cuz he is ready to fuck some people up.
And basically he’s paired up with the rock in this situation and the movie’s about the rock, trying to maintain his image through this entire situation and not going like full the [00:30:00] movie rock in real life. He’s, he doesn’t wanna hurt. Not because he doesn’t wanna hurt anybody. He doesn’t want to damage his brand by hurting people.
And so throughout the movie, Daniel Craig becomes the devil on the rock shoulder trying to like coax him more and more and to get in his hands dirty. And so you’ve got the rock kind of fucking up people like more and more throughout the movie. And Daniel Craig is actually shooting people, but he’s trying to get the rock to his level basically, as the movie moves on. There are actors who are playing, the actors that are in the movie, who are part of JaredLeto’s cult who represent like the Marines in the original movie. So we have miles Teller as the David Morse character Tom Baxter. And then for the other followers that are in this movie, we have John Boyega and Zach Efron.
Bokeem Woodbine. Cuz I always like to bring somebody.
Hobbit: Yeah. Yeah. Absolut.
Thandi: Anthony Ramos who people might know from [00:31:00] what’s the the president the guy who rap sings Hamilton.
Hobbit: Lin Manuel Miranda, like,
Thandi: So Anthony Ramos was in Hamilton
Hobbit: Okay.
Thandi: and he was also in the other musical from last year Dancing musical about the neighborhood
Hobbit: Oh in the
Thandi: Heights
Something Heights. In The Heights.
Hobbit: Yes.
Thandi: That’s Anthony
Hobbit: Oh, Anthony, I know exactly who you’re talking about now. Yeah, absolutely.
Thandi: I first encountered him in and she’s Gotta Have It, which was a remake of Spike Lee’s movie as a TV show on like Netflix And then I wanted to add, since this is not actually a prison and it’s a movie, I wanted to add a female follower, so Leslie Jones,
Hobbit: Oh.
Thandi: but as it’s a violent action comedy, this Leslie Jones is not just doing her Leslie Jones thing. She’s actually mean. She’s actually fucking up people.
Hobbit: was about to say, you have to have her being one of the most violent, like most aggressive.
Thandi: Yeah. She’s a monster. And then I wanted a kid [00:32:00] in danger. And I could not find a kid actor who was born before or after like 2011. So I settled on Cade Woodward, who was the kid who died in a quiet place, but the kid’s like 15 years old or something. It’s, it’s so hard, like, it’s so hard unless you watch a lot of TV to identify actual child actors.
Hobbit: tell you the little bit of the inside baseball of this show is there’s some movies that we have not done because there’s too many kids in it. Like finding kid actors that are
identifiable where it’s actually fun to talk about is really hard.
Thandi: Because that’s not where the Zeit guy stands for movies now. It has been in the past, but it’s not there right now.
Hobbit: And also us as men in our forties probably shouldn’t have a Rolodex of information about young children, actors. It’s not, not really our it’s not our specialty that, that it’s not our career path. So we should probably
Thandi: Yeah, and I don’t, I don’t think that like Teen Disney and [00:33:00] Nickelodeon are doing like tween sitcoms anymore either. I don’t think that’s like a, a farming ground for that kind of stuff anymore. So it’s just hard to know these people.
Hobbit: So now
Thandi: yeah, there’s a little kid in there.
Hobbit: things are all the stranger things, kids are all in their
Thandi: They’re all like 20
Hobbit: So,
Thandi: But yeah, there’s a little kid in there who the rock meets early in the movie, Hey, you’re here with your parents. Hi. It’s great. I wanna be just like you, Stanley, the rock could speed or whatever. And then that kid is in danger at the end of the movie, which is the apotheosis. Where we have at, this is ridiculous on the face of it, but basically we established early on that Jared Leto’s character is a martial arts master, as like an ultimate badass.
He’s like kicking people’s ass throughout the movie or whatever. But by the end of the movie, the apotheosis is basically the rock’s. Like, all right, I gotta save this kid. Fuck it. And there’s no big fight. It’s the Rock decides that he’s going to save this kid. And he kills Jared Leno. [00:34:00] He breaks him like Bain immediately.
Hobbit: like right off.
Thandi: Yeah, he just immediately breaks him. Daniel Craig, his character actually takes the rap for it cuz he is just happy that he got the Rock to do this crazy thing.
Hobbit: Sure.
Thandi: And
Hobbit: I can see this too, of there being some long diatribe that Jared Leno’s doing is he pulling his white robe off and exposing like 18 abs.
Thandi: his his his skinny guy muscles,
Hobbit: And he’s, walking, like looking away from the rock as he is delivering like all this, you know, the power that I have from within and all this shit.
And he turned around and then just screams that like high pitched girl scream as he just gets ripped in half.
Thandi: and half. That’s what I want to see.
Hobbit: Yes please. You know how cathartic that’s gonna be for some people to just see Jared Leto ripped in half.
Thandi: Oh, so many people would
Hobbit: so many people would go to the movie just for that. I think.
Thandi: because at this point, the the, the zeitgeist is such that regular people just don’t like Jared Leto. They don’t know why. They just know that people don’t like Jared Leto and they don’t like him either. But I have a few more actors.
Hobbit: Okay.
Thandi: David Harbor is [00:35:00] the FBI Director
Hobbit: Nice. Okay.
Thandi: Sophia Vigara is Carla.
Hobbit: Nice.
Thandi: And John Cho is the FBI special agent in charge. We do get a cameo from the president. It’s not a big enough situation that it needs to like cut back to the president over and over again or whatever, but Sam Jackson is the president.
Hobbit: Nice. Hell yeah. I was thinking
Thandi: love Sam Jackson
Hobbit: I was thinking about cameos and I just didn’t know where to play with some, but clearly with David Leach there’d be a Ryan Reynolds appearance somewhere, some just minor role maybe Bokeem Woodbine’s character who’s in it for like four seconds with the entire.
Thandi: then done,
Hobbit: just done. Yeah. Or Brad Pitt like he did in a Deadpool
yes, absolutely. That’d be incredible. Yeah. I am so sad. This is in a real movie. That sounds incredible. I would, I would go to the theater in a heartbeat to watch that version.
Thandi: Yeah, just a good time.
Hobbit: yeah, that sounds so big, dumb, fun, self-aware kind of.
Thandi: the, and the rock. Like, you know, the rock is a good natured guy and his presence [00:36:00] as far as his brand is, is really good. But like that self-awareness that yeah, you just come off like your promotion machine at this point, dude,
Hobbit: Yeah.
Thandi: we all like you, but you, you like, you’re like, you’re always on selling something or whatever.
Dude, it’s it’s a lot.
Hobbit: And I would love to see this hesitance where, yeah, he is a beast. He probably could mutilate you. Like, no, I don’t actually hurt people. That’s not in my character. I’m
Thandi: I sell tequila. What do you want from
Hobbit: Right. . Look dude, I got a kid. I don’t wanna go to jail. I’m into it. That’s fucking fantastic.
I, this, these are these moments on smack my pitch up that are painful when it’s something that won’t happen. You know, we come, it’s a really good concept and it’s just, it, it’s like, great. Now this is a thing that I never get to have. So so thank
Thandi: you.
know, can, can you hold a rainbow in your hand?
Hobbit: And a rainbow is the rock ripping Jared Leto in a half? Yeah. Yeah. I think that might be The name of this episode is ripping Jared Leto in a half. Alright, we are at the [00:37:00] tail end of this episode of Smack.
My pitch up. One mashup that I thought would be kind of fun is that you just replaced the giant. Coup on Alcatraz with fight Club with just like the Project Mayhem dudes. Just trying to, so the Seeds of Chaos would be kind of fun.
Thandi: Oh, that’d be big fun. I, I could see that. The longest yard. The rock with the longest yard, they’re playing the football game and then like military incursion breaks out.
Hobbit: Oh, Jesus
Thandi: Adam Sandler. Save us all
Hobbit: Oh, God. Doomed. Doomed. All right, we got one last little bit of stuff to do here. We’re talking about our trailers, so I’m gonna do my David Leach action project, and then if you wanna follow up with your version here
Here we go.
From the director that brought you John Wick, atomic [00:38:00] Blonde, and Hobbes and Shaw gives you a new vision of action Insanity. Alcatraz Island off the San Francisco Bay. A place for prisoners or a place for terror this summer. Stanley, good speed. Regular lab schmo teams up with John Patrick, Patrick Mason, an escape artist to save the world from the deranged intent of General Francis Hummel.
Join Iris Elba, Helen Mirren. Andrew Garfield, Keanu Reeves, and featuring Zazie Beetz who’s the winner? Who’s the loser? Who’s the enemy? The rock.
Thandi: The rock is all the [00:39:00] things.
Hobbit: The rock is different to every person. Okay? It’s not one thing to one person. My Lord and Savior. And he just may be a comfort to
you
Yeah. Some people I think, do look at the Rock as their Lord and Savior, honestly, so you’re not too far off.
Thandi: Hm.
Hobbit: All right, so we’ve got your your, I think, perfect film that we’ve got next, moving forward.
Thandi: too kind
Hobbit: And did, who’s directing this? Your, your version,
Thandi: Oh, oh yeah. You know what? That is funny. John Chu, John m Chu who directed step Up to GI Joe Retaliation Jim and the Holograms. Actually, yeah crazy Rich Asians in The Heights, which I can’t believe I couldn’t come up with that movie cuz he directed in the Heights. I was going for somebody who does like, pretty shots and bright colors like, like the children of Michael Bay, but not one of the children of Michael Bay as far as the directorial style.
Hobbit: Okay. Cool. Cool, cool. All right, so we, we are John [00:40:00] Shu. Definitely re-imagining of the rock. So here we go.
Thandi: What’s harder than The Rock? The Rock. Stanley. The rock. Good. Speed. In another movie this time on the island of Alcatraz. But what happens when things get out of crazy ass Jared Leto takes over the island with his cult? Yes. In this version of the Rock, we have Jared Leto as Frank Hummel, we have Daniel Craig, as John Patrick Mason, a shady guy with an SAS Pass that Special forces from Great Britain.
Who’s on the rock shoulder saying, do it. Do it. Yeah. The rock’s gonna go hard if he can get past his brand identity, come on and let’s see how hard it gets on the rock.[00:41:00]
Hobbit: I’m fucking here for it. That is incredible. Yes. All right. So thank you so much to my co-host Andy, for bringing, bringing it hard on this long overdue episode of Smack My Pitch Up.
Thandi: We’re back, baby
Hobbit: and we’ll hopefully be releasing. The plan is to be releasing weekly from here on out. So please tell us what you wanna hear.
Take a look at what we haven’t covered, some of your favorite TV shows or movies or what have you. Throw it at us and we just might do it on an episode. You can hit us
Thandi: some input from
Hobbit: 100%, especially with the new format. Let us know how you. We are available through email at geeks under the influence gmail.com.
Just put smack my pitch up in the subject line you can is up on pitch smacked both on Facebook and Twitter or hit up the GUI hotline at 8 0 4 5 0 5 4 4 8 4. Let us know what you think. Take voicemails and texts on that number. So It hit up our new account on key.
Yeah, you are begging for us to have a [00:42:00] key party account.
That’s for, that’s pre our first live event. We’ll get a key party account going. yay, . All right. Until next time. I’m Mike the Hobbit
Thandi: and I’m Thandi
Hobbit: and you just got pitch smacked
Thandi: in the face.
Hobbit: the face in the rock, in the rocks.
Thandi: Oh my stones.
Check out this episode!
