Mar 6, 2023 | Uncategorized
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Smack My Pitch Up 97 – Mad Max: Kronk’s New Dystopia
Transcript at the bottom of show notes
Hobbit and Thandi strap in for a diesel-fueled ride through remakes and remixed of Mad Max!
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TRANSCRIPT:
Hobbit: [00:00:00] Hello? Hello. Hello Geeks. Welcome to another episode of smack my pitch up, the podcast that reboots remakes, reimagines sequels side-quels and adapts some of your favorite and least favorite properties from film, television and what have you.
And we’ve got a banger here on this episode for sure, and with me to discuss the remakes and reimaginings, my co-host Thandi.
Good day. I thought about doing like an accent, I think, for the betterment of everyone involved. I’m not gonna try to do that. I’ve never been able to nail either the British or the Australian accent cause they bleeding to each other.
Thandi: Yeah. You know, what’s fun about doing an accent? For me specifically I’ll lose it. I’ll lose it almost immediately, and it will turn into whatever it’ll turn into like something racist by the end of whatever impression I’m doing,
Hobbit: It could be the whitest act. I can do like a Russian accent very poorly, where you’re almost offended. I don’t think I have Russian background, but like I’m white enough where it’s like, no, he can he’s allowed to do Russian accent. No. [00:01:00] It’s almost offensive.
So
Thandi: You don’t wanna get smacked by Putin. Nobody wants to get smacked by Putin. So
Hobbit: get clobbered by his giant horse. Yeah. Let’s avoid that if
possible.
Thandi: eat you with my pick. Yeah.
Hobbit: So today we are talking about, Cult Classic for sure. A movie that has spawned to multiple sequels as well as a remake that’s not really a remake, so much as a kinda re, re-engagement, a re-envisioning of yeah.
Thandi: Yeah it’s like, old Mad Max is, what do they call the Star Wars stuff that was made before the reboot,
Hobbit: Oh, those are,
Thandi: The Star Wars legends or whatever, all the novels and stuff. Yeah. Old Mad Max is Mad Max Legends and . This is like, you know, the new kids. This is, even though it’s the same character, it’s
Hobbit: And what we are talking about is Mad Max the first Mad Max movie and the universe in general. I, guess, But the thing that’s interesting about that though is starting with Fury Road, if they are going with Tom Hardy as, max from now on, if they’re [00:02:00] restarting this universe
it is interesting where they’re starting as far as the distance away from Doomsday. Like every Mad Max movie gets a little bit further away from the fall of society.
Thandi: Yeah, little. Road is like hundreds of years after, like Max is a Highlander or something
Hobbit: Right.
Thandi: by the time of
Hobbit: And the the original director, he said that Max is really more there to be Way into a slice of life of that world at that time, you know, that Max does assist with stuff happening. But for the most part it’s, we’re just following him around on his adventures to see where the world is at this point in the decay.
And it was interesting to revisit Mad Max after it’s been years. I haven’t seen it since Fury Road came out, I think.
Thandi: I’d only ever seen it on tv. After watching this, I realized I’d only ever seen it as a TV edit. and it’s a whole different experience. This is some good [00:03:00] schlock. I was actually surprised. It’s really
Hobbit: holds up well and you try to explain what happens and there’s three important things that happen and that’s it in like 90 minutes, but it’s engaging the whole time. There’s never a point where I felt bored watching this, movie.
Thandi: It’s interesting. It’s not too long, although I did feel like it dragged a little bit somewhere in the middle. It’s not too long. It has some really intriguing aesthetic choices. The score is late fifties, early sixties style the orchestration, which is interesting.
There’s some interesting camera stuff going on. It’s very surprising that this is uh, George Miller’s first major movie.
Hobbit: And I feel like the acting is not top-notch, but it does feel natural enough that it’s even the bad actors are not that cringey. It doesn’t come off poorly, I
Thandi: I like some like, goose. I thought Goose
Hobbit: Goose is great.
Thandi: Max is actually a little bit too young. That was,
my complaint. Mel Gibson is a little bit young for the
Hobbit: I was mindful and made sure that I didn’t go too old with Max [00:04:00] with my casting, but I did. Yeah. He is so much younger than everybody else really in the film. He looks like a baby and maybe it’s just cuz we know Mel Gibson to be this like old racist dude. And this is like young racist dude, but.
Thandi: This is even before big hair, incredible wings. Mel Gibson. This is,
A whole different
Hobbit: was looking at actors in their like early twenties, and I just, I couldn’t I just, the concept of them driving a car, I’m like, you’re not old enough to drive a car. You can’t,
Thandi: You got the cutest little baby face
Hobbit: is something that I really like about Mad Max, is that there is a portrayal of a revenge film, very Western.
It’s completely, if you take all the beats of this movie and remove the cars and put in horses it’s, and it’s not the apocalypse, it’s just the old West. This is a fucking Western movie. But it doesn’t try to overdo the chase scenes. The chase scenes are pretty straight up.
Like they’re on straightaways. They’re not doing all these crazy twists and turns. And max isn’t this big buff fucker, he’s this normal [00:05:00] sized person that he fights a little, but mostly it’s just him running people over with his car. That’s the majority of his skillset is just
Thandi: Killing people with this
Hobbit: yeah, it’s, so what I liked about that is , I didn’t need to cast some like action hero type necessarily for the role of.
Thandi: This was pre that type anyway. They were on the, just the cusp of having leads take over in that fashion. But this is what, it’s like 79,
Hobbit: believe in late seventies. Yeah.
Thandi: Yeah. So this is right before they start putting Adonis Godman as the other action leads.
Hobbit: What a weird time. Yeah, it was the eighties pretty much all the way through until right at the end of the 80. when you had the, like Bruce Willis’s and the Joe Everyman that came in and picked that back up again, but there was this like 10 year block that was just big old machismo men that ruled the world.
Thandi: Yep. And then after that it was, they were all Brad Pitt types wiry, mu wiry dudes that I still resent
Hobbit: of course. Oh man, there was a weird time in [00:06:00] my high school years that scrawny hairless men was the in vogue. , and that’s literally the opposite of me. if you
Thandi: Damn you, Moby
moby
Hobbit: right. It was all the lanky, fucking scrawny dudes that everybody was losing their shit over
had no armpit hair, nothing. Here I am looking like a fucking lumberjack, a short little, wide lumberjack.
Thandi: Yes, and both you and the scrawny, lanky dude are both looking at Mel Gibson going,
Hobbit: Yeah. Pretty much. Now how the tides have turned that bearded men is now in vogue and yay.
Thandi: We rule the day until
Hobbit: until we go to bed at a very reasonable hour. Okay. So Mad Max, there’s a lot of room to work here. I’m interested to see if either of us, decided to stick to the timeline of the post apocalypse or the dystopian world.
Of the original Mad Max or took it a little bit further into the post apocalypse. Also, is this an apocalypse movie? Is this done differently? [00:07:00] I’m really interested. You have the wild one always excites me cuz you will go out there this might be in space, I don’t know.
So I’m.
Thandi: No, the take this time is gonna be something where you’re like, what? What are you doing? You know, last time you were like, wow, that is really cool. The time before you, that is fun. This one’s gonna be like, yeah,
Hobbit: Why Great. Mine, I feel, is a pretty straight ahead version here that I think you’re gonna understand why I made the choices that I did. This is the straight up remake, reimagining what have you. I decided that the real difference here is that I didn’t want to try to capture that like Aussie. Dystopian vibe.
I wanted to look at what Man Max would be if it was an American director, directing American actors with an American aesthetic, but not necessarily the fast and the furious kind of aesthetic. Definitely balls to the wall a little bit. That’s just, that’s definitely America, but more that, action kind of [00:08:00] comedy, the die hards of it, the fun action vibe a little.
With just a touch of demented to get, let it go down smoother. And I decided that Brian Taylor would be my director for that kind of journey. If you’re unfamiliar. He is one of the directors of Crank one and two. He directed gamer Ghost writer Spirit of Vengeance. More recently he did the movie Mom and Dad with Nicholas Cage, which is an absolute fucking blast If you haven’t seen.
Thandi: I have not
Hobbit: It’s like an infection movie where all the parents are infected and get like homicidal and wanna murder their own children. That’s what the virus
does. Yeah. Basically. So it’s just all these parents being like, come here honey. Stab stab. And there was a series on sci-fi that he that helps create and also directed called Happy.
That was a tour de force of demented weird fantasy the main character. Chris Maloney. He has an imaginary friend that’s like a flying unicorn that’s voiced by Pat [00:09:00] Oswalt. It’s a weird show, but definitely steeped in gross, weird demented comedy. And so that’s energy that I wanted to bring to this is just a little over the top, a little bonkers but still that intensity you want from an action.
And so I, for Max, that was a tough choice for me. I wanted to do a not action hero kind of person, but somebody that could get unhinged , if they really got to that point they would break bad when it got to that. And from his portrayal in mayhem this horror movie, I thought Stephen Yune would be an interesting choice for.
Thandi: Oh, nice. I almost cast him in a different role, yeah. Steven. Deserves a breakout role in like a young person’s breakout role like that. I know he’s going for serious stuff, but
Hobbit: He’s definitely proven himself to be a tremendous actor. But I’ve also been playing this dude that gets basically infected and becomes like a raw [00:10:00] nerve of aggression in mayhem. He, it’s a very fun ride that he takes you on and he’s gets to play it super big and you can tell he is having a fun time with it.
And so I want to be able to have that spectrum from the actor playing Max is somebody that can go subtle and quiet cuz Mel Gibson is quiet in the first man Max. He doesn’t say a lot at all. So I want that to just go up to 11 when he’s on his revenge.
That he’s what? Just freaking out and going Bonkers. So, Steven Yeun. I think it would be fun in that role for Jesse, his partner, his wife, his, the mother of his child. I wanted an actress that could play like she’s got her own shit together. She’s not like the damsel and distress type, but is also very funny and can play at these big action sequences and be the comic relief of the moment in some of the most like, darkest moments of this.
And I just saw her recently in a really bad movie called Shotgun Wedding. The movie’s fucking awful. It’s the Jennifer Lopez vehicle that came out on Prime, and it’s stupid. I [00:11:00] hate
Thandi: Yeah, Sandra started watching that the other day, and I don’t
Hobbit: Yeah, it’s really bad. But Darcy Carden is in it and I love her. She was in the Good place as Janet. She plays Natalie in Barry and she was also in shotgun wedding, but she’s a comedic actress. She’s been around and she’s been in tons of. Very funny. There’s something about her that’s so, so just like hits me the right way.
Very funny actress and has the, I’m one step ahead of you, kind of energy with her humor as well. She knows what you’re gonna say and she’s got five clips ready to go already. So I thought they would be a fun matchup. Jim Goose.
Goose. I wanted somebody that would be like the kind of wide open, wants to be a ladies man, just fun, weird, sidekick character and a little older as well.
Christopher Maloney, he’s already worked with the director. I think he would’ve a lot of fun just being like the zany, the, sidekick, or not sidekick, but coworker,
Thandi: oh, definitely. And Maloney’s.
Hobbit: Maloney is a fucking trip. He is such a [00:12:00] trip. Initially I had cast him as Fifi, the basic, their boss, basically. Cuz I thought Maloney would have a lot of fun just walking around shirtless, smoking a cigar and yelling at people. And he would, but I think his energies would be better spent as Jim Goose. For Fifi, I decided that role, I wanted somebody built like the. He looked like a Russian weightlifter that lifted the triangular weights only the their boss, Fifi. So I needed a buff guy that was gonna be able to have fun in this role as this really happy, big energy person. So Terry Cruz immediately jumped out as a good choice there.
He
Thandi: course.
Hobbit: just really friendly, nice boss that people actually like, but also don’t fuck with him. I could, Terry Cruz works perfectly for that.
Thandi: Yeah. No, Terry Cruz is great as the big
Hobbit: Yeah, that’s, his whole career is pretty much playing that role for the most part except for Brooklyn nine nine. He doesn’t play the big guy, quote unquote necessarily in that role.
Thandi: He plays this sweet, cool-headed guy who [00:13:00] loves his family.
Hobbit: I feel like Terry Cruz would be a great person to spend time with, not even get a drink with, but like, Just your friend from years ago that you go to like the park with your kids together kind of energy.
He, this is a sweetheart
Thandi: Who keeps trying to get you to go to the gym with him and you’re like, oh
Hobbit: suit? Yep. 100%. Oh, your CrossFit friend. That’s Terry Cruz. Oh no. I, for the use of bad guys now that we’re going with and I wanted to cast a kind of quiet intensity for Bubba Zt. And so I went with Tommy Flanagan, if you’re unfamiliar he’s the Irish actor with a giant gash scar in his face that was in Sons of Anarchy. He was in Sin City. He’s been in Braveheart and Gladiator.
Thandi: I believe I know who you’re talking about,
Hobbit: very well known as a, always the grizzled, tough guy and uh, toe cutter. Unhinged, boss of the biker gang. We gotta get Nicholas Cage in there at some point.[00:14:00] He’s had a couple movies with Brian Taylor.
He had Ghost Rider and also mom and dad, so they know how to work together. Nicholas Cage could definitely have room to do whatever Nicholas Cage wants with this role.
Thandi: I’m kinda surprised that Nick Cage didn’t come to mind for me for what I was, what I’m doing. That’s, yeah, cuz he is a great choice for that.
Hobbit: I think just giving him moments to do whatever would really make this movie. And then finally, Johnny the Boy, the drugged out fucking weirdo guy that gets in trouble and gets arrested and then gets released is the little brother character to the biker gang that always fucks up and they’re always really annoyed with him.
Pete Davidson. For Johnny The Boy. Yeah, that’s perfect. But with this casting and Brian Taylor in this demented action comedy kind of vibe, the world that I’m setting up in the States is that basically resources are dwindled dramatically. and the coasts are really where most everybody lives because you can get to stuff easier that way through the ocean and railway systems and stuff.
The [00:15:00] middle of America is basically ghosted. A lot of the crops have died at this point. resources are dwindling dramatically cuz of global warming or whatever you, whatever. It’s not necessary to explain, but there’s just barren wastes of just flat, dusty dust bowl . And so really the only people that exist in this area have cars, have souped up rods and cars that have extra gas tanks attached to them, randomly and basically Mad Max vehicles that they have to build out to make these long hauls in between small towns that are still existing in the Midwest.
And because that also, there’s not enough police force to cover these great expanses and so there’s the highway patrol basically that has these. That they can get from town to town on like less gas, but still like gun it. You know, they have little bit better technology but they can only get around so much.
So they’re constantly on the tail of all these highway gangs. They are constantly trying to make sure all the small towns are okay, but the small towns, [00:16:00] they have their sheriffs and their people in charge, but they can only do so much when a gang of like 30 or 40 bikers comes into town. So, they’ve been after this gang for a while.
They’ve been trying to prevent them from stealing the resources from the towns in their sector. And so that’s how they come to know Max from him just being the best cop in their region, trying to protect these towns. So Max is there basically out of his ability to drive really well, but also he gets better resources by being friendly with all these towns that have resources. And they thank him by giving him water and gas and clothes and stuff for his car. As a bribe basically, hey, pay more attention to us than the other towns.
And so when the bikers start cutting into his cut by. By stealing resources from these towns and you know, him not getting there in time, then that’s what’s really pissing him off. You know, that’s what’s really motivating him [00:17:00] is like, Hey, you’re cutting into my stuff here. So it’s less about the world fully falling apart.
The cities are still, industrialized and still working and functioning. Though poorly, a little bit dystopian, but the middle America looks like the post apocalypse just because everybody’s escaped. Pretty much everybody’s gone to the coasts. There’s nothing really left in middle America anymore for anybody. the crops have died, like the resources have dwindled,
Thandi: Yeah. Yeah. And taking it to America is probably a better move anyway, like maybe not explicitly so. But I feel like there’s enough regional culture in the Mad Max movies that doing something that you’re a little bit more familiar with might be a better.
Hobbit: And it being set in Australia was because that’s, George Miller lived , like, so it doesn’t have to be Australia necessarily. There’s nothing Australia centric [00:18:00] about this story really.
Thandi: Except for all the the Fosters billboards in the
Hobbit: Right. Australian for post apocalypse. So yeah that’s my take. Middle America centered mad Max movie with. Yuck. Yucks and action. And explosions and craziness.
Thandi: I’d watch it. And it’s . It’s about time to bring back the the aesthetic. Like of course we had Fury Road as George Miller’s modern vision of that, but A world of post-apocalyptic leather daddies that populated that Mad Max era . It’s time to bring that back. I’d love to
Hobbit: And I, there’s only so much further you can go in the post-apocalyptic world of Mad Max after Fury Road, because then it’s just dust. There’s nothing there’s barely anything left in Fury Road. Resetting it and bringing it back to where there’s ghost towns, they’re driving through these ghost towns and there’s small populations of people and there’s still some level of government, working, giving resources.
[00:19:00] Highway patrolman, basically. And, the best way I can explain it is it’s when shit’s done, there’s no going back. The society is collapsing as they speak. Everybody knows it, everybody’s aware of it. Everybody knows they got maybe 10 years tops before even the police are gone.
That it’s that level, but nobody’s willing to admit it. It’s like when in 2008 when I worked at Blockbuster, everybody knew that Blockbuster was going under, every couple of months another store would go out of business. But we all just pretended that somehow there’d be like a turn that we’d be fine at some point and we just of went about our business until, you know, the store went under.
Thandi: Red box is bs. Nobody’s gonna use a
Hobbit: We just gotta
Thandi: box. Netflix,
Hobbit: in there just a little bit longer until this fad blows over. So that’s this world of Mad Max is people out of not having other options, barely hanging on, hoping that something changes
Thandi: Yeah, not knowing that the world is going to descend to the place where the only three assets left [00:20:00] are bullets, gasoline and titty milk.
Hobbit: That sounds like a good weekend right there,
Thandi: maybe
Hobbit: Yeah. Yeah.
Thandi: Ah, I did something interesting with my take,
I guess, So my take is basically based on me diving down a rabbit hole, mad Max influenced a bunch of like 1980s anime, like just Mel Gibson in general influenced a bunch of 1980s anime, but basically it influenced it so much that like anime style, mad Max has already been.
Many times over. So going down that rabbit hole, I was like we’re doing a big budget movie for an American audience. What’s big budget? American animation. There’s Disney and there’s Dreamworks. So basically my Mad Max is an animated movie from Dreamworks,
Hobbit: Okay.
Thandi: Cars via Dreamworks. [00:21:00] And it’s
It’s basically a bunch of chases that climax in the big race for it all or whatever kids movie. No, I take that back. All a family movie, so everybody gets to be
Hobbit: So there’s some winks to murdering a wife and child and stuff, but not like overtly to.
Thandi: It’s, yeah. There’ll be violence, but it’s like violence that you never see. Like people can die in a cartoon movie. You just can’t see the body hit the floor. So, my Mad Max Dreamworks movie takes place in Arizona. Max Rocke Tansky is the best pursuit cop on this stretch of of highway in, in Arizona.
And he is got a big head about it and it’s about him finding his way to appreciate the love of friends and family and working as a team, you know, kid movie stuff. But for everybody. Max Roski, Chris Pratt. Why Chris Pratt? Because Chris Pratt is the universal voice actor for everything right [00:22:00] now. So my Max Roski is Chris Pratt.
He will not be doing a gruff anything. He’ll just be doing Chris Pratt like he does anyway, except when he is playing when he did that movie for Amazon.
Hobbit: Oh, the tomorrow war.
Thandi: goose. Yeah, my goose. I just needed a side kick. Character. Who’s the best sidekick in the history of man and who’s also like a really interesting voice.
John C. Reilly
Hobbit: I knew you were gonna say John C. Reilly. knew it when you said sidekick. Yeah.
Thandi: Yeah he’s the sidekick John C. Reilly in, in this take goose still dies, but you don’t see him burned to to. Where Max is like, what
Hobbit: Where Max does the Ooh
Thandi: goosey
Hobbit: face as he pulls the sheet up,
Thandi: Oh, it’s so early days for his acting. It’s fine. It’s fine. Jesse Roski, the wife is still his wife in this movie, but she’s also on the highway patrol. She’s part of the [00:23:00] action. Their conflict comes into the fact that he wants to be a lone wolf and she wants to teach him how to work better with the team.
Kristen Bell is Jesse
Ros
Hobbit: Okay. I see it
Thandi: cuz she could be sweet and convincing
Hobbit: a little agro when need be.
Thandi: Yeah. Roski Ski is no longer a child. Sprague Rockat. Tansky is a talking. And the actual direct partner of Max Rock Osky, doing the ride alongs and pointing down the suspects and saying, Hey man, cuz it’s Kevin
Hart. Is Sprague Rock.
Hobbit: Oh, no. Like talk, like I. That’s racist. I don’t know how it’s racist, but it’s racist. I think there’s no way to portray Kevin Hart playing that character without it coming off kind of racist.
Thandi: As Sprague Rock Osky. He can’t be like Brian, the dog for Max Rock Atki without [00:24:00] being
Hobbit: You you know how they would play Kevin Hart in that role though. That’s the thing. There’s only
Thandi: Yeah. But that’s actually Kevin Hart. That’s how
Kevin
Hobbit: I’m
Thandi: Kevin Hart. That’s on him. Me too. That’s what makes it great. The tow tremor,
so the
Hobbit: The tow
trimmer.
Thandi: Yeah.
The
Hobbit: no. That’s brilliant. But God damn it
Thandi: is Keefer Sutherland
cuz he is got the ultimate like, hard ass, bad guy voice the cold.
Wonderful for a kids’ movie, perfect
villain
Hobbit: If you haven’t seen the movie Freeway with uh, Keer Sutherland. He plays like the big bad wolf type character of like a serial killing like dude. And he does this kind of like voice. I can picture that being the perfect touchpoint for him to play this role. Like of the kind of growly.
Thandi: Or his take on a
solid
Hobbit: Yes.
Thandi: cuz he was, he replaced David Hader on that game that people were like, oh, it’s not David Hader. Zunti, his his second in [00:25:00] command is, No longer a person. That’s a dog too. But that dog can talk. And that talking dog is Patrick Warburton. Is Zanetti in this
Hobbit: So Kronk’s new, dystopia uh, okay.
Thandi: Yeah, he’s the henchman. He’s henchman number one. Henchman number two, Kini. The guy who loses his hand. And yeah. That’s James Fran. So James Franco is is guy number three, the police captain or whatever of the station house. The boss is Brian Cox
Hobbit: always a good
Thandi: and they’re all just, yeah, they’re all just trying to reign Max in Goose dies, wife lives tow trimmer.
Ends by not getting hit by a truck, but by driving off of a cliff Disney style. So he dies. You don’t see the death, but characters falling off a cliff is like animated kids movie
tradition. Uh, That’s how he does
Hobbit: noise as Yeah.[00:26:00]
Thandi: and like a, just a sickening splat. Yeah. That is my version of of Mad Max.
Hobbit: choices were made But it does beg the question, like, why aren’t there more post-apocalyptic cartoons that really, I feel like cars kind of could be perceived that way. And then there’s Wally, and then that’s it. Like that’s pretty
Thandi: You get something like, I don’t know I don’t know about a post apocalypse, but Treasure Planet or a ladin where the heroes just in
dire straits.
Hobbit: Titan ae, I guess would be post-apocalyptic, or at least for Earth. Yeah. It’s literally after Earth is what it stands for. Yeah. I don’t know, I’d go see it can’t be too judgmental on something where like, yeah, day one I’d be there watching it being like, what the fuck?
Thandi: I’d be curious enough to look up the reviews, but yeah,
Hobbit: nice . Yeah,
Thandi: the audacity, why are you making this movie
cause
Hobbit: because money. All right. With you saying Brian Cox as well for your thing, I’m [00:27:00] just thinking a mashup for Mad Max. I would love to see Super Troopers three being in the post apocalypse where they’re still working the highway patrol, but in a Mad Max type fashion, would be fucking great cuz Brian Cox, he.
The boss in Supert Troopers, so yeah, that would be brilliant.
Thandi: So, a couple fun mashups. Mad Max in weird science, like in that scene where Kelly Le Brock brings like the the Road Warrior style mutants to their party. At the end of the movie, she also brings Max, and then she ends up hooking up with Max instead of the nerds.
Um, ,
And Mad Max and Waterworld. Where the the Mariner finally reaches dry land, but the dry land is Australia, and so he’s in the jurisdiction of Max Rocke Tansky, now
Hobbit: I I would watch that movie. 100%
Thandi: Desert versus Duff Sea,
Hobbit: Mad Max Fury, tsunami. I don’t know. Yeah. Mad Max Tsunami. Okay, so we’ve [00:28:00] got two very different takes on Mad Max. Both of which I think we would probably be murdered online for even suggesting so Perfect. Perfect for us. Um, And now we’re doing the trailers, so let me get that. From the director that brought you Crank one, crank two, and Ghost Rider. Spirit of Vengeance is an American take on a cult classic Meet Max. He’s mad. Played by Stephen Yon and he’ll stop at nothing to take down the toe cutter crew and restore order to the Midwest this summer Max. Loses his wife Jesse, played by Darcey Carden, and him and his buddy Jim Goose, played by Christopher Maloney are wiping the streets red with the blood of their enemies.
With the help of Fifi, their boss, played by Terry Cruz. They go up against Tommy Flanagan as Bubba Zanetti, Nicholas Cage as the leader of the toe cutters, toe [00:29:00] cutter, and hijinks ensuing. Burnout. Fuck boy. Pete Davidson. As Johnny the Boy. Are you mad? You will be with this remake Mad Max America Road.
Thandi: Oh, I didn’t give my director actually. Before we continue my director was Clarence William, or I’m sorry, Chris Williams. Clarence Williams is somebody I went to high school with Chris Williams, who directed Big Hero six
and the
Hobbit: man. Both of those are really, I didn’t realize it was the same director, big hero of six I love that movie so much. Sea Beast was better than I expected it would be.
Thandi: Yeah, I’ve heard nothing, but I haven’t watched it all the way through yet. I started it and I got distracted, but it’s on the list because I’ve heard nothing but good things about it. I heard, I’ve heard
it’s
Hobbit: Yeah. With directors for animated films. I that that’s a thing. Like you, you think of directors like directing live actors, you know, but I’m sure there’s plenty that goes into directing Lincoln animated film, possibly even more than a regular film. There’s amazing director like Brad Bird who did the Incredibles movies [00:30:00] and stuff that did Directors of animation, but I never really think about it.
Thandi: Yeah. Those guys do some some amazing work and they have to entertain a larger audience than many other directors do. So they have to get their lesson in there, keep the parents occupied, keep the kids occupied. It’s a. An interesting juggling job to pull that
together. speaking of entertaining an audience we’ve got your take next for your trailer
I hate it.
Hobbit: So let me light it up. You ready to roll? Let’s get this car on the road, I guess.
Thandi: From Chris Williams in Dreamworks. It’s a movie about what happens when you’re too good at what you do in a world that’s not Chris PR is Mad Max Rocke Tansky the best cop on the Arizona Highway. His wife played by Kristen Bellis, Jesse Rocke Tansky, and she just wants him to make friends. Sprague, his [00:31:00] dog is Kevin Hart.
Cutting up and having fun on the highway is a fight keeper. Sutherland’s tow trimmer and his boys, Patrick War Burton and James Franco. As they try to win the big race, but are they good enough to win the big race? And does it matter when The most important thing on the road as having the drive to be the best, to take it all on your own, even when it threatens to drive away you from the only race that matters, the race to be the best of friends.
Mad Max, the best of friends coming this summer.
Hobbit: Friend Road Um, I, yeah. Fuck it. Yeah, let’s make this kid’s movie. I, I’m, I, you know what, you changed my mind. I am on board with this yet to get another banger from Tandy in the, in the Wackadoo category. So [00:32:00] Wackadoo. Hell yeah. This was a blast. I am really glad that I got a chance to rewatch Mad Max. It’s one of.
The road warrior is so good. Like the sequel is so, so good that I sometimes,
Thandi: And that’s the one that everybody has
seen. That’s
Hobbit: yeah. And so I forget sometimes that Mad Max is still very good. Like it’s a really good starter to this universe that gets created
Thandi: Yeah.
Hobbit: and then you throw in Thunderdome and just have a like silly blast.
Thandi: And, but none of them have what Mad Max has, which is the Hall of Justice.
Hobbit: I forgot yet.
Thandi: They like an old abandoned cement factory. That’s the Hall of Justice, and that is awesome in itself.
Hobbit: Not just genre, but he permanently changed the way people did dystopian Futures with this movie. And it was basically because he was in the outback of Australia and he had access to these abandoned buildings and he’s like, great. Yeah.
Cool. This is what it is. Like this is the police station and yeah, it’s like a cement plant or something. Great. No
Thandi: Yeah. No, he’s he was inspired and they didn’t run over the [00:33:00] kid, which was also inspired. That brought me in more than any other scene in the movie. Were the kids out in
Hobbit: Oh, right, yeah, yeah,
Thandi: They’re driving. They’re driving. I was like, he was, this movie’s kind of crazy, but they’re not gonna kill this kid. Whew.
Hobbit: pet cemetery. This is not, Pet Cemetery is like, fuck that kid.
Thandi: Oh, guess we’ll need to add that one to the list too. Actually. That’s already been
remade.
Hobbit: Yep. Terrible remake, unfortunately, but at least compared to these bangers that we brought on this episode here, think Mad Max needs to go a new direction, with some of our choices here.
Thandi: Hit
us up.
Hobbit: we’re ready and waiting. So speaking, of, waiting, we’re waiting for you to follow us on social media, Facebook, Twitter.
Just follow geeks of the influence on Instagram, Twitter, you’ve got me and Thandi on Twitter. We’ve gotta smack my pitch up. uh, pitch smacked on Twitter. got Facebook keep track of when episodes are coming out. We’ll let you know when there’s cool stuff happening. Maybe some live event.
And, yeah, it’s a great way to get all the pitch smacking that you could ever want.
Thandi: [00:34:00] Yeah,
All All smacked all day long. Oh it’s got a rosy
glow
Hobbit: from all the smackings. So on that uh, yeah, re review, subscribe, post on socials, let people know how cool this show is and how bad our choices are. But that’s half the fun. Gotta thank Of course. Tandy, thank you so much for joining me on this.
Thandi: Thank you, sir.
Hobbit: I’ll find you next time.
Thandi: I’m Thandi.
Hobbit: and you just got pitch smacked,
Thandi: Hey, pitch another smacking shrimp on the
Bobby
Hobbit: mate. Good day. Good day.
Thandi: Fosters it’s pitch for smack.
Hobbit: Jesus.
Check out this episode!
Feb 17, 2023 | Uncategorized
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NSFW
Smack My Pitch Up 95 – Red Heat: Republican Mustache
Transcript at the bottom of show notes
Hobbit and Thandi start a new cold war as they fire of remakes and reimaginings of the 80’s action classic Red Heat starring Jim Belushi and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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Transcript:
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Hobbit: [00:00:00] Hello geeks and welcome to another amazing episode of Smack My Pitch Up, the podcast that reboots remakes, reimagine sequels cycles, and adapts some of your favorite and least favorite properties from film, television, and whatever else we decide to do that week. And with me as always, my fateful companion into the realms of remakes.
We got Thandi Woodard here.
Thandi: How do,
Hobbit: How
Thandi: I wanted to say hello and Russian, but I could not remember what Hello and Russian is,
Hobbit: Yeah. I think I have was it nine? No, that’s German. I don’t know any Russian, actually.
Thandi: we all know Das Vidanya.
Hobbit: Yeah. Sag. Yeah. There we go. That’s all I’ve got and that’s about as close to Russian as Arnold Schwarzenegger. In this next movie that we are talking about, I’ll smack my pitch up.
I was about to say, he does his best. He doesn’t even try.
Thandi: Can I tell you that I I chose this movie and I’m sorry, like it’s not it’s not. I [00:01:00] remembered it being fun and it’s not unfun, but it’s not good. It’s not like eighties movies have their own vibe or whatever, and this is like the ultimate mediocre representation of mediocre eighties.
Hobbit: I know a lot of stuff happens in this movie, but it does feel like nothing happens in this movie. It’s just like they, they walk from point A to
Thandi: said, everybody’s. Just doing eighties. The Walter Hill’s you know what guys? Just do just be eighties guys. Just be eighties guys and that’ll be the movie that we put out as you guys being eighties guys. Just do that.
Hobbit: It should have been understood just by the casting that they had the lesser belu. In this movie, and that should have been enough to know that, okay, we’re just phoning this in. This is not nobody needs to really go for it on this one. Cuz Belushi, he’s clearly the comic relief character like the smart ass, grizzled cop from Chicago character.
But there’s nothing funny about him at all. Like he’s just he, it’s not, he’s not even annoying. He’s just a [00:02:00] non-existent
Thandi: And he’s supposed to be funny because he’s supposed to be like ably charming or whatever, but he’s n he’s just irritating and it is yeah. You feel what they’re going for with this as an eighties movie, and it just, it doesn’t all the way work. It’s not bad. It’s not terrible.
It’s just a wet fart of an eighties action.
Hobbit: I will say the best part of this movie for. Has to be hands down. Not that there’s a really big competition here, but when they’re playing chicken with buses, that was really, I’m like, okay, you know what? That’s new. I’m, I’ve not seen that there’s a whole movie about a bus driving fast.
Didn’t go against another bus. It was just one bus.
Thandi: sure. Why not? Yeah. Everybody should die here, but they’re not or whatever, and it doesn’t matter. Like I feel like the climax is really anti-climactic it, even though it’s a big set piece. It doesn’t go hard. It doesn’t feel hard enough when it ends, and Schwartzenegger just ends the movie.
He just ends [00:03:00] the Oh, the guy. Okay. You’re gone. Needs a fight or something like schwartzenegger and Belushi fighting like 50 guys or something.
Hobbit: That’s the thing. Schwarzenegger doesn’t even really fight a lot of people in this. He shoots a couple folks, but there’s not a whole lot of hand to hand. Yeah. And
Thandi: The naked fight in the snow, which is, it’s fun. That’s fun.
Hobbit: That’s fun. That is fun. Yeah, definitely. But we are talking about, if you didn’t realize from the title of this episode we’re talking about the movie Red Heat some classic eighties, Arnold Schwartzenegger. Buddy cop movie from Russia meets Chicago, I guess was the
Thandi: What are the most eighties that ever aided with the lesser belu?
Hobbit: also, this is like the tail end of the Cold War. This movie’s coming out and you’re rooting for the Russian operative this whole time, which is, that’s a weird, that’s a weird choice. There’s No. [00:04:00] So it’s not about rooting for the Russian operative. It’s about rooting for the police. He’s the police and you’re supporting the, it’s the, because even he’s ah, we are not politicians. It’s okay for us to be to like each other. Whatever. It’s about respecting the police and supporting the police.
Thandi: The working man basically. It’s the work, it’s the respect for the working man, whether they’re Russian or American or whatever. And the heroic eighties style police that don’t do anything wrong, it’s just they’re fighting against a corrupt world no matter what country they’re in.
Hobbit: I had a rollercoaster of emotion at one moment in this movie where they’re talking about drugs in their countries
Thandi: Yeah. Miami with, they’re turning into Miami. Yeah.
Hobbit: And Arnold is like in. Our country, we, you our country, I’m not gonna do it. Aye. Aye. Aye.
They were having issues with like drugs coming in from China. So they rounded up all of all the drug Addicts, [00:05:00] all of the drug dealers and took them to the square and sh killed them. Like just shot ’em.
And Belushi’s response to that wasn’t like, oh fuck, that’s hardcore. He was like, yeah, they won’t let us do that here. It’s unfortunate. Like the politicians won’t let us do that. And Schwarzenegger’s then you tie them up and shoot them first. And she’s huh. And so first he’s talking rounding up the drug dealers and the drug addicts and like shooting.
And I’m like, fuck, that’s hardcore. And then he is like, just murder the politicians. I’m like, That
Thandi: Yeah. And Belushi’s no we. We gotta kind of follow the law and it they make light of the American justice system as it stands to protect the citizenry. I, in this movie, basically it’s super hardcore like pro police state,
Hobbit: It really is.
Thandi: The, they’re like the world’s on fire because of darkies and foreigners, or, And the only way they’re protect it is to have this hardcore, [00:06:00] no rules, no holds barred.
Police state,
Hobbit: and everybody’s on board like that. That is, I really didn’t dive that deep into the thought process between the Chicago police and these Russians that are showing up that are the enemy of the country. But they’re all cops, so they’re like, oh, you kill innocence too. Cool. Great. Okay. We’re like, That is Buck Wild.
What is nice about a movie? Yeah. . With a movie like this though, there is so much room to build from it that it does make for an interesting choice, for a smack my pitch up. Because
Thandi: does because it you, you don’t have to respect the movie. There’s nothing to hold sacrosanct in this circumstance. You can go hog wild.
Hobbit: And one thing that I really wanted to dig into more with mine is That Russia and the states aren’t on the best of terms like that just kind of gets glazed over. If anything, it was more of they acted almost like they were buddies, but you still gotta be careful about your state [00:07:00] secrets.
That was the kind of energy that they were playing with each other. It was like don’t trust Americans don’t trust the Russians. And that’s it. I really want to inject a little bit more of. Cold War Energy back into this. Although my version is a modern take, it takes place in the modern day.
But I just, there’s so many weird choices in this movie for it to come out as just like a perfectly fine, mediocre movie. Tom or Jim Belushi,
Jim Belushi and and Arnold. Hanging out together. It was like the Kmart version of True Lies with Tom Arnold.
Got the the kind of like rubenesque like cop and then the the hardcore badass dude working together.
But True lies worked.
Thandi: Yeah. Yeah. The it’s interesting because Walter Hill has directed some of our favorite movies, including a movie we’ve done a pitch on before. He was the director of the [00:08:00] Warriors.
Hobbit: Oh, wow. This is so far removed from from the whimsy of the warrior.
Thandi: Yeah it’s so different from the Warriors. He was director of Streets of Fire. It’s different from that. He directed both 48 hours, which are actually pretty decent. But tonally are very similar to this. They just the stars, they work better. They have better synchronicity maybe, I don’t Because Arnold Schwarzenegger is a big freaking movie star. And actually Jim Belushi can be okay, as I remembered, cuz I saw this in the theater back in the day. I thought he was okay in this. But yeah, this is a little bit obnoxious. Maybe it’s just a product of so much time having passed, but.
Hobbit: I don’t know, but I am interested to see how we decide to build upon this this very simple structure. Basic gist is there is a Russian former operative or current operative that goes to the states to work out a drug deal to move Koch into [00:09:00] Russia. And Arnold is tapped to go get
Thandi: Oh, he’s a career criminal. He’s a career
Hobbit: oh, career criminal.
Yeah. And he’s mother Russia doesn’t wanna look bad in the face of the Americans and the rest of the world by having drugs like brought into their country. Arnold goes to stop him basically to get him without airing the dirty laundry of what he gets stopped for. Cuz he’s gets stopped for like an unregistered gun.
Right. Is that the
Thandi: Arnold goes after him because he killed his partner.
Hobbit: Sure. That’s why he gets, that’s why he gets tapped basically. Is that yeah you’re gonna do a good job here going after this guy. And and he kind of does. I like this. Injecting a little more plot into this. Mine is a modern day take it has a stylized action kind of vibe to it where everybody is able everybody looks good, nobody’s tripping over themselves.
It’s not like a it’s not so much comedic [00:10:00] as it is kind of fun and it’s approach. Some comedic moments, but definitely more of a just straight up, like over like stylized action kind of movie. For me, I, Ivan Danco was a very hard casting choice. I needed somebody that was, if not Russian, able to do a decent Russian accent.
So that required a little bit of research. I decided to go with a kind of a, you think of him like he would be an action star and he is done some action movies, but he is done more dramas than he’s done action movies is Tom.
Thandi: Oh, yeah, Tom Hardy is an action star and he’s a great dramatic actor. He’s both things.
Hobbit: And I think there’s a stoic sense that he has, especially if you saw Lawless. He’s really good in that that I think would lend itself to playing an Ivan Danco kind of character. And he was in a movie called Child 44, where he had a Russian accent and it was good. It was a decent Russian accent.
It wasn’t too over the [00:11:00] top. It. My favorite Russian accent, which is clearly John Malkovich and Rounders. That is definitely
Thandi: still made fun of today. Yeah.
Hobbit: I need to find the shirt. I found a shirt that it says on the shirt. I need that shirt. It’s brilliant. If you haven’t seen rounders, the movies, whatever it’s a fine movie, I guess, but
Thandi: Was it you that No, it was a YouTube video I saw recently. Who was in that movie with him? One of his co-stars.
Hobbit: There was oh, who was in it? Matt. Matt Damon was in it, I think. And it was Matt Damon. So. Malkovich is doing the pee Him he’s doing the horrible Russian accent or whatever, and everybody’s oh, yay, John Malkovich and Matt Damon’s what the fuck is this guy doing? And then there’s a they, this, there’s a scene break and Malkovich sees the confusion on Matt Damon’s face and he looks across the table at him and he is I’ll tell you a secret. [00:12:00] I’m a terrible actor. That’s it.
That’s incredible. That is incredible. Oh, that’s so good. Yeah. I thoroughly suggest, if you haven’t seen Rounders is worth it just for. Malkovich is bits in it, it’s so fucking good. But yeah, Tom Hardy can actually do a Russian accent play. Ivan Donk. This version of the film Ivan is drafted to go after a former military asset Victor Rust roti that, yeah, former former Ukrainian.
Picked up by the, by Russia to do cyber warfare. Basically, he’s a hacker type person. He, his estranged daughter and not wife. The Gina Ghan character, I switched from wife because they never even have any moments of chemistry or anything. And it doesn’t matter. I feel like a daughter has a little bit more like ooph [00:13:00] to it, and their relationship are a little different here.
He’s a strange daughter is young adult living in the America, is doing her thing. He really just has been absent from her life, wants to do stuff best by her, and is seeing this vast amount of corruption that’s happening within his country and also within the United States. Partly a cocaine shipment that is getting ready to be shipped to Russia courtesy of the CIA as a means of trying to like they did with KRA in.
In the in the eighties destabilization. Yeah.
what they don’t realize is that Russia’s already got crocodile. So Coke doesn’t do dick for them. Like coke, cocaine is like a cup of coffee. But
Thandi: could you sprinkle some bath salts on this?
Hobbit: right? But he decides since there’s this large amount of cocaine and money being exchanged between governments in a super secret way, that he has access to the information on where it.
He can steal it or, and use [00:14:00] that as a means of getting money from both governments, pitting them against each other and getting out a dodge with his daughter while they go fighting one another. He’s basically setting up the governments to blame each other for the disappearing coke and u and using the money that he gets from extorting to basically disappear off the map of his daughter.
That’s his. And it goes awry. It does not work. Ivan NCO gets sent out by the Russian government to stop him because if he gets caught by the Americans, he has a ton of Russian secrets that he would probably very handily hand over exchange for his freedom. So he’s a danger to the Russian military. And the CIA is doing something super fucking underhanded and he knows about it.
And so they want to quiet him before the word gets out that the c a is trafficking cocaine to Russia. So both governments are after him. Ivan Danco is kind of in the middle, not realizing after he gets to America that this is some dirty pool that’s being played. And Victor [00:15:00] Lev is a unhinged weirdo that he has to basically track down and try to get the information from without everybody dying.
So Ivan NKOs, Tom Hardy his partner played by Jim Pucci in the original Art Riddick. I’m gonna go ahead and do Chris Pratt for this one. He is married to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s daughter. And I thought it would be kind of fun to cast him in this and just him putting on like a shitty mustache like he had in one of the Guardians movies.
He had a mustache for two. In one of the Avengers movies or something give ’em a shitty mustache, make them like a grizzled Chicago cop that’s trying to do one-liners, but they don’t land very well against Tom Hardy, who’s stoic and just not having any of it. And I think the uncomfortable nature of that relationship would make for actually really funny moments.
Thandi: That would be a man Tom Hardy would eat Prat alive,
Hobbit: Would eat him a [00:16:00] lot. Absolutely. Pratt would be like, stupidity, dude dance or something, and Tom Hardy would just stare through him be incredible. In the meantime, they’re trying to chase down Victor Roli, who is played by the incomparable Peter Stormeyer.
Thandi: Oh, perfect. That’s basically Peter Stormeyer of his career is playing that guy.
Hobbit: He is playing the big old weirdo like Eastern European guy. Don’t even give him fucking lines. Let him just make them up and it will be a better movie. Honestly. Peter Stormer, if you’re not familiar, he was one of the nihilists in the Big Lebowski.
He’s, he was the devil in Constantine. He did the, was it the VW commercials for a little bit, right? I.
Thandi: Did he
Hobbit: I think, yeah, he’s, he is done everything. He is incredible. He is such a blast to watch on screen. He’ll steal every moment. Then Lieutenant Stops played by Lawrence Fishburne in a horribly underutilized role.
They didn’t do shit with him in this movie.
Thandi: He was just there to be that [00:17:00] guy. wasn’t lo, he wasn’t Larry Fishburn yet. So But I wanted to give, I wanted to give the little more gravitas to the lieutenant in the fishburn can do don’t get me wrong, but I wanted to give the role a little bit more gravitas and still have an actor that can have that kind of intensity that you want from a lieutenant so Denzel all day make him like angry lieutenant.
Hobbit: And then the daughter, Kat Manetti is, her mother’s name was Manetti. She took her mother’s name the daughter of Victor Rostovetti. I went with Mia Kunis, who is actually fluent in Russian and is part
Thandi: has the.
Hobbit: and she has the look. So I think she would make for a good estranged daughter character to Peter store.
Mayor would
Thandi: Definitely I could a hundred percent see that, that relationship.
Hobbit: And with Chris Pratt with Denzel Washington stylized action movie. I [00:18:00] went with the director Anton Fuqua to set this up and hit it outta the park. Oh, that’d be a good time. And. It’s interesting cuz Anton Fuqua, I don’t think has ever made like a movie that has fun energy. I think his movies do have lots of energy, but it’s all threatening.
It’s all a little bit more intense, but he has done the straight ahead action film that doesn’t have a lot of depth to it, and he’s also done the really good. Thoughtful like borderline artistic action film as well. So I think him being able to play with the full speed ahead action film, but have an awkward comedic tone to it, I think would be, he got close with Magnificent seven, like he did almost get there just because of the kind of actors that he had in those roles.
This casting, I think he would be impossible not to get some funny moments between Tom Hardy and Chris Pratt, Peter store Mayer, [00:19:00] talking to Mia Kuni Mia Kuni talking to Chris Pratt and Tom Hardy and Chris Pratt flirting a bit, and Tom Hardy being very, not okay with it.
And just their, all the relationships I think would be very fun to see on.
Thandi: Now, there’d be some fun energy to see them play off of each other.
Hobbit: Yeah.
Thandi: little intensity there too. Anybody with Tom Hardy? There’s gonna be some some intensity.
Hobbit: absolutely, and that’s why I wanted Tom Hardy is to be the anchor of this, because with those other actors, there is a good chance that this would just get away from the director. But Tom Hardy, he’s a really good actor and he is able to play that intense character. And if he. Holds that down.
It keeps everybody at a level where the fun can still be there, but it’s still held down as a straight ahead action film.
So yeah, that is my pitch for for red heat.
Thandi: I would enjoy seeing that. I only have one beef, which is that you made old ass Denzel, a lieutenant. [00:20:00] He should be the police captain.
Hobbit: That’s okay. That is a fair assessment, but also police captains not going out and getting shotgun shot at him on the street. So yeah, he’s in the office asking for guns and badges for cops that do things their own way.
Thandi: turn in your badge.
Hobbit: turn
Thandi: You’re the best we got. It’s a damn shade. But we have rules in this department.
Hobbit: I don’t like, I don’t like how you do things, but Damnit you get results. Yeah.
Thandi: Oh, eighties. Captain you’re a treasure
Hobbit: why isn’t there a parody movie just called eighties Police Captain and it’s just this like wide open, disgruntled police captain would be fucking incredible. I’d be there for
Thandi: because not enough people still smoke cigars maybe. I don’t know. But yes, that would be a lot of fun.
Hobbit: Because Tom Sellek has retired his mustache and
Thandi: I don’t know if you’ve ever watched Blue Bloods, but Tom Sellek is awesome. Tom Sellek makes you want to be Republican. [00:21:00] That’s how
Hobbit: Oh wow.
Thandi: is like a, is like an old like state and respectable white man. You’re like, man, you guys have some really good ideas. Tom Sellek is good. He is good at his.
If you watched him on Magnum PI and you saw him now, you’d be like, wow, that is quite a transformation. But he is, he’s a joy to watch as like the respected you remember back when John McCain was running for president, you saw John McCain. You were like, you know what, I wouldn’t, I’m not gonna vote for you, but I respect you, John McCain.
I almost felt the same way about Romney. also, like guys who present respectability. Even if I don’t agree with their policies, I’m like, oh, you won’t be a monster. Especially now in retrospect when actual monsters have taken over the landscape of the right of American politics and yeah. Tom Sellek as a human being, as a callback to a different time. [00:22:00] You only use the N word at home in Tom Sellek’s world. It’s just you don’t take it out into public.
Hobbit: I pictured old Tom Sellek as living in a log cabin near a creek with his dog, and he wears like one of those puffy vests on Dewey, slightly chilly mornings as he’s out there fishing.
Thandi: Yeah. And then he comes down the street and he is you got some problems with your house. I see your roof needs some work. Let’s get up there. But I’m sleeping. I’m tired, Tom Sellek. I’ll be up on the roof. I’ll meet you up there when you get up and Tom Sellek like fixes your roof cuz he’s that kind of neighbor that’s the kind of Tom Sellek that lives in my mind.
Hobbit: That’s the one that, those Hallmark movies where there’s like the racist neighbor, but he’s not actually racist. He just he like treats everybody with respect, but he just doesn’t like, like blacks or something. But there’s no example of him being shitty at any point to anyone. But that’s just like a thrown in character thing.
That doesn’t make sense. That’s [00:23:00] Tom Selleck where.
Thandi: Yeah he is Clint Eastwood. If Clint East Wood’s characters didn’t actually actively complain about yellow people and black people
Hobbit: Oh man. Whew. I’m just thinking of grand Torino and some of the moments in that movie were, whew a lot.
Thandi: Man it’s kind of a shame, this is a little tangent, but it’s kind of a shame that all of our our grizzled like old school actors have been become monsters over the course of time. You can be that person. You’re old, of course you’re that person. That’s fine. Just shut the fuck up.
Just shut the fuck up and be awesome. You know who I think of all the time because I’m like, man, you are just a treasure on screen and you should be in real movies and not these things produced directly by like conservative interests. James Woods. James Woods is a, an incredible screen presence and the dude’s a monster.
It’s okay to be a [00:24:00] monster. Just be a monster silently and get your paper and continue to entertain us.
Hobbit: I don’t, I think he kind of showed his hand a little bit in John Carpenter’s vampires, cuz he was such a prick in that movie and you’re like, he’s doing this too. Like James Wood is a good actor, but he’s not, that he’s not that good of an actor. That was just him. Killing the vampires. That wasn’t, he wasn’t playing a character at that point.
He was like saying racist shit. Like he just smoking a cigar and just being an asshole at everybody. You’re like, that’s the, that’s actually the most real James Wood has ever been on screen
Thandi: incredible asshole. He’s an incredible asshole, but all right, tangent over my pitch.
Hobbit: Okay. All right. So
Thandi: got lost in the
Hobbit: doing the serious take. The remix is all on you.
Thandi: remix.
Hobbit: Wiki.
Thandi: So my inspiration for this pitch came from Schwarzenegger’s line that I mentioned earlier where he is it’s okay to like each other. We are not to politicians. And I’m like, but what if they were politicians? And so the angle I’m coming [00:25:00] at this from is because it’s not a good movie. I don’t have to respect anything.
I’m going batshit crazy balls to the wall. My movie takes place in a world where, what if they were politicians? But in this world, politicians are, they’re all Chuck Norris. Basically. Every poli every world leader is like Teddy Roosevelt or like Vladimir Putin. They’re like, oh, you could probably kill a guy with your bare hands.
And in this world, they come into direct conflict. So there’s like fisticuffs and tough, everybody’s like an eighties tough. With eighties tough guy interactions, direct conflict, like old white dudes and old white ladies beating each other up directly because that’s just the tone of this world, that the leader is the strongest person basically.
Hobbit: Like Sunday Church every week is the church scene from the Kingsmen. That’s okay. Cool.
Thandi: Whipping some ass. Yes. So in my skew of this movie what [00:26:00] if they were. Politicians. Basically what happens is that the premier of Russia who is played by John Cena and he is Russian premiere Victor Resta Rust is involved in a situation where he’s basically trying to get access to some crypto, and In that conflict, he comes into direct conflict with Mickey Rourke, who is the president of Belarus. Yuri Oga Carav, which was the partner of Schwarzenegger who got killed. And he kills him. He kills him with his bare hands and his best friend, the president of Poland, is out for revenge and what they find out is that the crypto keys are actually in America. The physical keys are in America. They’re stored on a server somewhere in America. That’s the information he has. So he does like what is kind of disguised as a a [00:27:00] political visit to America. John Cena’s character, the Russian Premier does, and the Polish president, Ivan Danko, who is played by.
Not doing a Russian accident or a Polish accident at all. Gerard Butler is Ivan Danko.
Hobbit: Yes.
Thandi: follows the Russian Premier to America and has a coming together scene with a former American president, former president, art Riddick. You son of a bitch. I need help. And they do the predator handshake, that kind of thing.
And art Riddick is played by will. Who is doing a very thinly veiled, basically Barack Obama Will Smith is playing action Barack Obama.
Hobbit: Yes,
Thandi: So they they come.
Hobbit: Because just to have a sidequel where it’s just a UN meetup and it’s just a royal rumble, like that’s all it is. It’s just royal rumble. Every time the UN gets [00:28:00] together, it’s just them in a ring beating the shit out of each other.
Thandi: Perfect for the world stage that I have set here. But so they meet in America, do the muscle handshake they bring in the former Secretary of State, Maxine Gallagher, who was Ridley’s partner in the first movie, Maxine Gallagher’s, played by Charlene Theron, and she’s basically doing Hillary Clinton.
Hobbit: Bill wishes
Thandi: They bring in this third to help huge action scene. She is killed by the premiere of Russia. So they get in a huge set peace fight, and he beats the shadow of her and kills her. And then that murder necessitates the involvement of the current presidential administration. Which is as President Lou Donnelly, who is the captain president.
Lou Donnelly is Liam Neeson. Basically Liam Neeson doing Joe Biden And he can’t help directly, he can’t be involved directly. So he gets his vp, his lieutenant to oversee [00:29:00] the the operation of these two world leaders coming together to, to try to take down the Russian premiere in America cover. His vice president Louise Stubs is Aisha, Tyler
Hobbit: Yes.
Thandi: So they have they have action scenes through DC into some other parts of the country back to dc in their little game of cat and mouse. Ross has American allies his American allies taking the place of the black nationalists or whatever they were in the original movie . Ultranationalist Whites known as the hard lads, and their uh, congressional ally is a person known as Porsche Adams Veld.
And so that’s their congresswoman that’s helping the Ultranationalist Hard lads help Raeli kills ve because she can’t actually help him. She fails in, when you fail a Russian, you get murdered. So he, she kills Veed or he kills. And the game of Cat and Mouse [00:30:00] continues, and then it ends with a big ass fight on the steps of the Lincoln Monument with Danko and Riddick tag teaming to beat the shit out of the bigger, stronger rust.
And they beat the Russian to premiere to death in front of the Lincoln Monument and And then Not enough. Not enough people get beaten to death in front of the Lincoln Monument. Really like I
what I’m saying. So the movie’s almost over and, but basically they’re like, oh, but what happened to the crypto keys? And then Danko finds out that former President Ridic had the keys all along. He passes them off to the Polish president, who then takes the crypto keys and the money that comes with that back to his country and scene.
Hobbit: Yes, I’m here for just, I want. A series of movies to exist in this world that you’ve created. You can just take whatever eighties action movie and just do a version of it in [00:31:00] this eighties action, hero politician world that you’ve created. I wanna see it.
Thandi: It would be big fun. And so my directors for this a lot of their brand is just like paring eighties action. Iconography, it drives a lot of what they find humorous. Trey Parker and Matt Stone. I’m thinking like a Team America vibe going through this movie and I was like, man the idea itself is very Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
So those are my directors for this project.
Hobbit: I am now realizing that the thing that the world has missed is them doing an action movie. They’ve done Team America with puppets, but I mean like a live action movie. I think the world is ready. I think we’re ready for it.
Thandi: Yeah, I would love to see, because it’d be a good time. They I don’t think they would do a straight action move. They’d still try to parody something and it would be a good.
Hobbit: Hell yeah. I’m here for it. Sweet. Red heat. I don’t know man, like this could be paired with basically any eighties action movie, especially buddy cop thing. I was thinking like running Scared [00:32:00] Oh, definitely. They could go on vacation. They could go on vacation for 40 minutes with the fellas in the middle of the movie.
I’ve always wanted to see that action movie where you just have two separate movies that come out around the same time and there’s just one scene that is in both movies where like they kind of enter into each other.
Thandi: kinda walked by each other. How you doing?
Hobbit: Or they’re chasing their own bad guys, but they end up driving next to each other during a car chase or something and looking at each other like, huh. And then they just trail off into different directions and then the movies continue. But there’s just that one shared moment in both movies would be incredible.
Thandi: Yeah, that would be incredible. That’d be incredible. I feel like that is the kind of thing that would take place probably in the past 20 years. I feel like there could easily have been a scene like that with the mocking of pop culture generally and also the crossover culture because crossovers bring money.
So, yeah,
Hobbit: Yeah, true. Very true. Hell yeah. We’ve got one last little bit to do here, and that is our trailer. [00:33:00] Some people’s favorites, some people’s least favorite from from the show. I’m gonna get some music together and we’ll get that going
From Visionary Director Anton Fuqua comes anew. Cold War this summer. Ivan Danko, played by Tom Hardy teams up with Hardened Chicago, detective Art Riddick, played by Chris Pratt as they try to stop the world from being handed a Coke this summer, Peter Storm Air plays Victor Roli, a broken man. Just trying to find a way to.
Insert himself into his daughter’s life and one big secret Coke deal could be the answer. Watch as Russia and America team up to fight the drug trade and that they also are facilitating a bit. It’s kind of a problem this summer. Red heat.
Thandi: Iran Contra,
Hobbit: [00:34:00] Yeah, part two.
Thandi: That is that is good times. I’m not ready for this at all. You know how I used to write all my trailers? I haven’t written a trailer in a while, so I am wing it yet again.
Hobbit: You wing it a little better than me though. So I still have faith. I used to say that I did the Justin Rowland thing, but I don’t think that is a phrase that I can use anymore.
Thandi: Ooh. Yeah. You should probably not say that out loud.
Hobbit: that loud . What I mean
Thandi: people will start looking at your text messages if you
Hobbit: Yeah, right. what I mean is that I just go and then stuff happens.
So let’s see. So you’re doing your wackadoo eighties action hero politician. Version here with Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
Thandi: That is correct.
Hobbit: Excellent. All right, let me cue up the music.
Thandi: The 44 Magnum is the most powerful handgun in the world. No, the most powerful hand weapons in the world are these four fists. [00:35:00] Let’s get him from the minds of Trey Parker and Matt Stone coming at you. President Will Smith President. Oh God. Scottish guy, other president. Brain farting and Premier John Cena, Andrew R.
Butler are in a three-way conflict to make the world safe for cryptocurrency as they bring the red heat
Hobbit: You’ll the Scottish guy. I love it. I love it. That’s great. all. You have, you’ve done Russia proud with that retelling of their national movie red heat.
Thandi: Yeah, it is a national treasure. It’s like the Battleship Potemkin, and then red heat is a [00:36:00] close
Hobbit: Yep. Exactly. So that was a really good time. I think we, not that the bar was very high, but I think we actually outdid the original, much like John Carpenter’s the Thing. The, sometimes the remake is better than the original. We’re
Thandi: Yeah, I think we did.
Hobbit: jumping rope
Thandi: we should do more shitty movies I think. I think we should stop doing these darlings and just start picking stuff from the 99 cent bin. And that’s what we do. The pitch max on 90 site, 99 cent bin movies.
Hobbit: I don’t think that’s a bad call, but you do know that path leads to, at some point, doing battlefield Earth.
Thandi: Oh I don’t wanna do the Scientologist movie.
Hobbit: don’t either. But I think honestly there are a few movies where
the premise is decent, but the execution was terrible that we could possibly have a lot of fun putting our own little spin on.
So I think we’re gonna dig in a little bit deeper into this territory for future episodes.
Thandi: It’s a new podcast.
Hobbit: Woo. Thandi, thank you so much again for [00:37:00] joining me on this adventure through Chicago’s Mean Streets This time. Although not Mean Streets, that’s a far superior movie. But yeah. Make sure to rate, review, subscribe, all the things you do for podcasts for this show.
We are gonna be releasing regularly, so you can definitely expect a lot more weird and fun content coming your way from smack my pitch up. Make sure to check out all the other shows on the network at guipodcast.com. Make sure to check out Thandi’s other show.
Thandi: My handle is Jonathan Blade. It’s about the musings of internet citizen Jonathan Blade, who happens to be me. Me,
Hobbit: Me. So check all that stuff out and we’ll find you next time for another episode. I’m Michael Hobbit
Thandi: and I’m Thandi.
Hobbit: and uh, you just got this pitch smacked out of ya.
Thandi: Yeah, just like your communism bitches.
Hobbit: Get to the remake. Now that was terrible.
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